Innocence
by Bokunenjin
Summary: My take on the bumbling cuteness and angst of a first romance between these two and the terrible world they're in. To be quite long and set in various arcs of emotion, plot slowly creeping in. Discontinued/god why would you read this. 8
1. Prelude: friendship

**Summary: **My take on the bumbling cuteness and angst of a realistic first romance between these two and the terrible world they're in. To be quite long and set in various arcs of emotion, plot slowly creeping in.

There WILL be cliches for the sole purpose of trying to smash them into something actually good (people dare/challenge me to do things and, stupid me, I have to try and pull them off) Please just don't run off screaming when you smell one coming: I promise to change your mind. Or make you laugh.

**Warnings:** Occasional tasteful citrus, language, (twisting of) religion, and eventual violence. Mostly T with citrus chapters clearly marked. Still staying M-rated because I twitch at the idea of being hunted down by hordes of angry parents.

**Setting:** _Technically_ an alternate universe. Starts right after manga chapter 164, weaving in and out of the manga until just before the Thief G arc at which point I refuse to touch the issue of the Third (I think) as they're the current plot dilemma of the manga and get completely beyond the scope of this story and doing a novel version of what Hoshino writes would be stupid. I will still follow new chapters of the manga as they come out and stay true to what I can and involve it without breaking how I know I want to end this, which I guarantee is disturbingly poetic.

I might include reference to anime bits that would fit into the manga setting. But the anime scenes like the one with Allen and Lenalee on a steamliner to Britain just… break the plot in the manga, so I'm disregarding ones like that. Sadly.

**Notes on timeline: **At this point I'm pretty sure even Hoshino herself isn't sure of the age of the characters, or she's forgotten dates she's put in the manga. In the Rewinding Town arc they say it's November, so unless Allen actually joined at 14 (doubt that), that puts him at 16 shortly after that arc, maybe sometime around when they're in China it's December (they do travel at normal 19th century travel until they get the ark). Then at the Thief G Arc they say it's December, and that it's been TWO MONTHS since Cross's "death". That puts Allen at about 17, even though.. .. .. they keep trying to say he's 15. And he looks older/less girly. Screw it, I'm going by the chronicled dates over what they and profile books say because it makes more realistic sense.

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**_Prelude - Friendship_**

_"Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land."_

_**"Drops of Jupiter" - Train**_

For once, Allen felt very grateful to be away from headquarters he realized as he leaned on the ship's railing and stared into the distance. Packing up the science team? … He could take that, mostly.

Undead-ish Order members? No.

He sighed. Sensing a presence coming up beside him, he turned and smiled in welcome at seeing it was Lenalee. "Can't sleep?" he asked.

"Sort of." She leaned over the railing as well, watching the horizon and listening to the rumbling of the steamship. "I wanted to see what it looked like at night. I haven't been on a transatlantic ship yet."

He supposed that made sense as he considered it. "I wonder if having the gates in the various branches will change how we share responsibilities across the branches."

Lenalee looked thoughtful. "Probably. Bak Chan from the Asia branch seems to be coming to headquarters a lot lately."

Allen shot her a look, not knowing whether to laugh to himself or twitch. He knew why Bak was showing up whenever he could find the excuse. Oh well, it gave him a card against the eccentric branch head. Smiling distantly to himself as the moonlight shimmered against the rolling ocean, Allen considered the rash of events of late. "I am a bit surprised Komui let you come," he said, looking up at her. She laughed.

"After that night with Krory… I don't think he minded if I got away for a while, especially with no missions until we move." Amusement still twinkled in her eyes at the memory of her brother's reaction. "Besides, we often travel in teams. Link doesn't count, does he?"

Link... Allen sighed. There was nothing to be done about that guy, so he smiled with a shrug at Lenalee. "I guess not. He can be pretty entertaining from time to time, at least."

Lenalee smiled, but seemed distracted as she looked again at the sea. She hadn't interacted with the inspector much, but the one time she clearly remembered was right after the fight with the level four. Something about him.. she couldn't put her finger on it, but something was off with him. Not in a bad way, but there was something.

Almost shoulder-to-shoulder, they stayed there in a comfortable silence for some time. The wind whipped at their hair lightly, his more so than hers as his accursed – as he thought, at least -- long hair in the pony tail still hadn't gone away. Shivering slightly at the cold and wishing for her uniform, the new ones not yet made, Lenalee looked up at the sky. "I wonder if it snows over the sea."

He made a sound in agreement, looking as well before turning to look at her with a weak laugh. "You might not want to jinx it."

Smiling at that, she turned to lean back instead against the ship's rail, smelling the salty breeze. "It's kind of odd how easy it is to like you, you know," she remarked suddenly, looking at him with a fond expression.

Like? He flushed a bit at that and blinked at her. "What do you mean?"

"For starters," she began, looking thoughtfully now at the sky. "You haven't been at the Order a year even, but so many of the science team and other exorcists regard you as a close friend. Johnny and the others always want to play chess with you for a reason, and then of course there's me, Lavi, and," she laughed, "I'm sure even Kanda." One of Allen's eyes twitched and he looked quite skeptical at that, to put it mildly.

She grew quiet for a moment, then smiled softly while looking out over the deck. "I've been with them there so very long and you in particular know how important they all are to me. But…" Lenalee turned to look at him and something about the brilliant smile she had made him pause. "I guess that's what I mean by it's odd. You might be my best friend already."

Allen stared.

Blinking slowly to himself for a few moments, he considered that. They were all his comrades, they were all very close to his heart, nay, one of the reasons for which he existed. But.. real friendship was something he hadn't really thought about, not since Nalei, the one other person his age in India he had been close with. Friends for the sake of friendship had died for him there, so he thought. But Lenalee… images flashed in his mind, ones of her indignant rage at his martyrdom, slapping him, crying over him, lunging and hugging in desperation, relief at his safety, sheer acceptance…

Dimly, he realized he was still staring at her smiling face as his thoughts drabbled. Allen smiled suddenly, both subdued but content, and covered her hand closest to him with his own. "Lenalee as well," he said, an appreciative look in his eye as he squeezed her hand lightly. He made a mental note to tell her of Nalei sometime – it just felt right to do so.

There was a sudden, loud cough that disrupted their train of thoughts and they both turned to look. Link stared at them and their still-clasped hands before coughing again and tucking the papers he had in one hand more firmly under his arm. "Walker. Lee. There is news from the New York branch. Please come with me."

Allen looked a bit sour for a brief moment at the interruption from the ever-there Link, but Lenalee had already let go and was following his watchman and inquiring. Dutifully, he followed the both of them as the low, booming horn of the steamship signaled.

But he had a friend now. A real one. Again.

… He'd try so hard not to look at her that way anymore. Really, he would. Not that he didn't already try hard not to.

Sometimes he really didn't like himself.

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I will note an interesting point in the Japanese vs. translation: almost everything translated as 'friend' is actually 'nakama', which more strongly means 'comrade' though with very positive and friend-LY notes. 'Tomodachi' is the normal word for friend, and as far as I've noticed isn't used in the canon, at least not by Allen... except in reference to Nalei.


	2. Desire: part 1

**Desire - part 1**

_"Trying to make some sense of it all, but I can see that it makes no sense at all.  
__Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?  
__I don't think that I can take this anymore.  
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you."_

_**"Stuck in the Middle with You" - Bob Dylan**  
_

The wind roared around him like white static, the dry snow stinging cheeks that had long since gone numb. Allen took each step slowly, painstakingly through nearly hip-deep snow. He paused for a moment to squint in the distance and seemingly endless pitch black. Something looked funny, a square snowy lump in the distance. "I think I see something up ahead," he shouted over his shoulder, though his voice seemed small in the blizzard.

"Thank goodness," Lenalee shouted back, and they trudged forward, refueled by the prospect of shelter. When they finally got to it, she would have clapped in sheer joy except she would have half expected her hands to shatter. "A house…"

Allen nodded and tried to look in one of the windows. "It doesn't seem like anyone is home." He turned and gave her a somewhat guilty grin. "But given the circumstances I don't think anyone would m-" Oh, she was already marching to the door. Laughing a bit to himself, he followed and they both half fell inside from the height of the snow outside. Slamming the door behind them quickly, Allen breathed a sigh of relief to finally be rid of the biting wind before surveying the interior. "It's tiny. . ."

"It must just be a hunting shack," Lenalee said, looking around as well. They were in a fairly small, mostly unfurnished room and it didn't look like there were many other rooms in the place. But it had stove. "I'll start a fire," Lenalee said, putting her pack down and moving towards a stack of wood against one wall. "Why don't you look around, Allen?"

Setting his pack down as well, Allen walked towards a corner of the room where he could see three doors. One was a bathroom, as he expected, another a bedroom. One bed, he started to realize with a sinking heart, but then he supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Oh, he was going to be cold tonight. Shaking his head, he opened the last door.

Something made a 'cheek'ing sound at him.

Cheek? Allen blinked and found himself nose to nose with a wide-eyed squirrel sitting on a shelf. "O.. oh." He grinned rather nervously at the sharp looking little teeth right next to his face. "Hi there. Um…"

It jumped on his head.

Stumbling back with a surprised yelp, Allen tried to smack it off, but the little animal had only used him as a launching pad. It bounded into the bedroom, and he watched it with growing annoyance.

He heard Lenalee calling out if he was alright. "I'm fine," he called back, rubbing the spot on his head the creature had been on. "There's a squirrel."

"Oh." Lenalee paused, considering that. "Is it cute?"

He twitched. "It tried to eat me!" She laughed at that and he sulked, then he looked properly at closet. Just a storage closet it seemed. Oh, but up there… "Food! Dried food!" he cheered and started pulling down some of the boxes. Very light boxes, with little holes chewed in them. Allen couldn't muster the energy to do more than blink at them. The… the damn squirrel…

Lenalee had finished setting a fire in the old cast iron stove and was taking off her boots when Allen came back and sat down next to her rather heavily. She blinked and tried catch the expression that his hair was hiding as he muttered something and mechanically munched on some kind of granola. "Allen?"

"Half the supply," he muttered rather darkly. "It ate almost half the supply." He looked up suddenly, a glint in his eye. "We should eat it."

Lenalee smiled wryly. Allen's dark side… "Oh, Allen, your boots," she said, pointing at them.

He blinked at her, not comprehending though back to normal. "What about them?"

"Frostbite, silly. You should check for it." Realization dawned on his face and he started to unlace his boots. Lenalee stretched one foot out towards the fire and wiggled her toes, enjoying the heat briefly. After a second it began to sting terribly and she flinched, pulling her foot back and looking down at her lap. The deathly white on her thighs was turning a bright red to match the burning sensation. She sighed, at least it wasn't frostbite.

Having finished checking himself and shrugged off his wet overcoat, Allen caught her staring at her lap and followed her gaze. A bit alarmed, he scooted over. "Lenalee! Your legs – are you ok?"

Smiling, she waved his concern off. "It's fine, it hurts so they're ok."

Allen sighed and shook his head. "Do you ever wear pants?"

Flushing a bit, she frowned and self-consciously tugged her skirt down. "So? I like skirts." For some reason that made him flush a bit, so he looked aside.

Allen looked out the window only to see a wall of whirling white. "I wonder how long the storm will last."

"I wonder," she agreed, looking outside as well, then back to him as an idea came to her. "Do you think Tim can make it to the branch in New York City? We're probably so far off course by now they won't know where to look ."

"Maybe." As if he heard his name, the little golem fluttered out from inside Allen's coat and into his palm. "What do you think, Tim?" The golem paused, then rolled around in agonized circles in Allen's palms before stopping and looking up at its master with a toothy grin. Allen smiled. "Guess that's a 'yes'."

Timcanpy leapt at his cheek and started gnawing.

"Uwa!" Flailing again for a second, Allen grabbed the offending golem by the tail and yanked until he let go with a pop. Timcanpy settled back onto his master's palms again and seemed to lick its lips. Allen sighed and glowered a bit, holding Tim up by his face to stare eye to eye with him. "Nope. It's a 'no'."

Laughing quietly at the pair, Lenalee leaned over to look the golem in the 'eye' as well, bringing her hands up to lightly hold onto Allen's fingertips that were still forming the platform. "Tim, please?" she pleaded, putting on her most winning look.

Waa.. cute. Allen blushed lightly, but Timcanpy was rolling around in frantic circles and swishing his tail about violently. After a moment, he fluttered up and circled Lenalee a couple times before alighting on her head, tail still twitching.

Lenalee smiled at Allen. "That's a 'yes', right?"

Allen blinked. "Mm," he agreed absently, a bit shocked over his golem's sudden turnaround.

Feeling ignored, Timcanpy lashed out with his tail and smacked Allen on the head. Getting the message, Allen rose and considered the door and the window. Deciding that the window would let less cold and snow in, he walked over and held his hand out for his golem to land on again. Timcanpy looked out the window and seemed to recoil. Allen gave him a reassuring smile before opening the window a crack. "Stay warm, Tim." The golem flicked its wings in appreciation and darted out.

Allen winced in sympathy when he saw Timcanpy get sucked out of sight immediately by a gust, then walked back to the fire to collect and hang their coats.

"I guess we should get some sleep while we can," Lenalee suggested, going through the sleeping rolls in their packs.

It was quite late. "Yeah," he agreed, reflexively smoothing their winter coats so as not to wrinkle. "One of the rooms is a bedroom."

Lenalee paused for a moment when she got to the doorway, similar to how Allen had. Oh right, he should probably have told her. "It's fine, I'm used to sleeping on the floor," he said good-naturedly, rubbing at the back of his head.

"That doesn't make it ok!" she protested, frowning at him. "Besides, the floor must be freezing."

The floor _was_ freezing.. He shrugged and kept forcing a serene smile. "We have blankets so it can't be all that bad."

She scrutinized him in silence for a moment as if planning her attack. "The squirrel will get you."

Allen twitched. He'd forgotten about the damn squirrel.

Lenalee seemed to consider this for a moment, then brought her first up. "Rock-paper-scissors," she said bluntly, and something in her tone told Allen he really shouldn't argue. He made a fist with his left hand.

She gave him a very flat look. "Other hand." Allen laughed nervously to himself and obeyed. Crap, she had read his mind.

When she lost anyway Lenalee had seemed rather disappointed and handed him an extra blanket wordlessly. Seeming to consider it for a moment, she shrugged off the uniform coat the New York branch staff had lent her, clad in a loosely Chinese-inspired short dress. Allen had looked up from making his bed and she noticed him staring after a moment and fought off flushing from self-consciousness. "What is it?"

Allen blushed as well, having been caught looking. "Oh, no, it's just…" he reached for something that wouldn't offend. He gave her a nervous grin. "With the clothes you always wear, I really do wonder why you're not always cold."

Lenalee gave him a distinctly flat look. Given her uniform and what she usually wore it had been something that over the years she had gotten mostly used to hearing, but for some reason it annoyed her to hear it from Allen. "I'm just fine, thank you."

He wasn't positive, but Allen got the impression she was a bit off-put as she walked a bit stiffly past him.

In bed now, Lenalee watched Allen and felt a bit ashamed. He was always protecting her… She laughed lightly though when he flashed her a thumbs-up, smiling reassuringly, after making his bed. She smiled and leaned over to blow out the candle. "Night, Allen."

"Night, Lenalee," he echoed back, crawling under the covers. He flinched on impact. It was really, really freezing, he thought to himself as he tried to curl into a ball. Sighing quietly, he steeled himself for a long night and closed his eyes.

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When Allen started to wake up, he didn't know what had woken him but he knew not much time had passed. He lay very still, listening for any sounds beyond the wind and waiting to see if his left eye would react. He was about to pass it off as nothing when he felt a delicate touch on his shoulder. Surprised, he started to roll over. "Lenal-?"

Beady eyes.

Lenalee sat bolt upright when she awoke to Allen screaming. An akuma, she thought? "Allen!" She leapt out of bed and nearly tripped over Allen who was scrambling to try and stand as well. He didn't seem harmed, just.. going a bit crazy. "What's wrong?"

"Th-th-th-THAT!" he half-shrieked in anger, pointing violently at what looked like one giant, angry, bushy tail that was vibrating on the nightstand. "It tried to eat my face!"

Lenalee stared at Allen for a moment in disbelief then burst out laughing. He rounded on her. "It's not funny! See!" He gestured wildly at… well, they were pretty impressive claw marks on his face

She sobered a bit, seeing that it had actually hurt him, but the situation was still hysterical. "It's probably just as terrified of you, you know. Here, let me get something for that."

"I'm not terrified of it," he said rather sullenly, then tensed as she left the room. "You're not going to leave me in here with it are you?" But she just laughed at him.

Sighing heavily, Allen sat on the edge of the bed and warily eyed the squirrel that was still dancing around in agitation. Lenalee came back a moment later with a kit from their packs, but to Allen's surprise she walked past him towards.. He sat up straight. "Hey, what are you-?"

"Oh, it is cute." Allen stared. Lenalee smiled, leaning down to the animal's level and offering it a cracker. "Here you go."

Allen felt his soul draining away, but all he could do was stare. Stuck in a cabin… in a blizzard… sleeping on a very hard and cold floor… with a bloodthirsty beast… and Lenalee was feeding it his food. Life wasn't fair.

But then… Allen let out a heavy breath and smiled softly. That was like Lenalee, wasn't it? Always caring so much. He glanced up when he felt her sit down next to him. Lenalee reached out a hand to touch the offended cheek, smiling. "Let me have a look now." She gasped as soon as she touched him, and for a moment Allen thought maybe the rodent really had gotten him, but she brought her other hand up and cupped his cheeks rather roughly. "Allen, you're freezing!" she exclaimed.

Oops. He tried to smile and reassure her, but it was kind of tough with the deathgrip she had on his face. "O-oh. Am I now?"

"You are!" She frowned so much he could swear it was audible. "You really should have said something," she said, sighing and letting go. "I'll take the floor. You've already had a bad enough night as it is."

"Don't be hasty," Allen protested, though he was privately grateful for the sentiment. "Then you'd be the one freezing."

Lenalee sighed a bit at that. He could be quite stubborn sometimes. She supposed she was a bit as well, though. Still, she looked at him and the disgruntled expression he was giving the squirrel now as he straightened his mussed shirt and thought very carefully.

She wondered. He'd probably get really worked up. "Allen," she began and he looked at her a bit oddly at the very neutral tone she had. "The bed is big enough for two."

Allen just blinked. "Eh?"

"The bed. It's big enough for two people," she said very slowly and calmly, although eye contact was suddenly impossibly hard.

"Oh!" was all Allen could manage, flabbergasted and now staring wide-eyed at her. He suddenly became really, really aware of how close her face was to his. Unwillingly, he couldn't stop glancing now between the bed and her. "I see, um…" No way. Absolutely not. Unthinkable. He felt himself start to sweat. This time his smile couldn't cover his nervousness. "Eh… you're serious?"

"Yes." It was getting harder to keep her face straight.

"But… I couldn't…" he stammered, having problems processing the situation.

She let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. "I'm saying you can."

Could he? Allen felt a bit dizzy. It would seem like a practical solution, they could combine blankets as well. But it was _unthinkable_. Right?

Lenalee snuck a peek at him and felt a bit guilty over the flustered state he was in. "Here, let me see your cheek again," she said, reaching out. Gunshy as he was just then Allen drew back for a moment, then sighed in relief for the distraction and let her clean the scratches. Lenalee smiled to herself at the obvious relief on his face. Allen was always Allen. If he were anyone else Lenalee didn't think that she would be able to even consider what she had suggested. "I trust you, you know."

Allen blinked and watched her from the corner of his eye as he couldn't move his head. "Trust me?"

"Mm," she nodded in agreement. "It's because of who you are that I can be this comfortable around you." He did turn this time to look at her in surprise. Lenalee dropped her gaze, eyes soft and a sad little smile on her face. "You're always so kind and considerate, thinking of others first." It always sobered her to see him do that, sometimes angered her, and usually made her sad. She smiled again and placed a bandage over the scratches though she let her hand linger against his cheek. "You're the kind of person I can rely on."

He stared at her for a moment as that sank in. Smiling then with a gentle, content look on his face, Allen covered the hand on his cheek with his softly, no longer uncomfortable from her nearness. "Lenalee, too. You're always there looking out for me." She smiled a brilliant smile at that and his breath caught a bit for some reason.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, enjoying their deepening bond and unwilling to let the moment go just yet. When Lenalee drew her hand back, Allen seemed to notice something and reached out to finger the ends of her shoulder length hair with a fond expression on his face. "It's growing back nicely."

She nodded with a happy look on her face, then looked over at his. "Not as long as yours yet, though," she said with a bit of amusement, still not used to seeing him with long hair.

"Oh? I suppose so," he said, absently fingering the pony tail before a stricken look came over his face. "That science team… they said it would go away by now." He hung his head a bit. "I keep cutting it and it goes right back."

She laughed. "I like it, you should keep it."

His face warmed at the compliment and he blinked at her in surprise, grinning nonetheless. "O-oh. Thanks."

A somewhat awkward silence stretched on for a moment before Lenalee spoke again. "I can't tell time in this storm but it's pretty late. We should go back to sleep."

"Ah, yeah…" Allen trailed off, uncertain.

Watching him for a moment, she considered the situation and bit her lip slightly.

"Come on," she said in a tone somewhere between firm and airy and tugged lightly at his sleeve while making herself smile away her own nervousness for his sake.

Not quite sure what to expect, he let himself be led off the bed. Allen startled a bit when she leaned down to pick up the blankets from the ground and he reached out a hand in futile protest. "Wait! Are you still-"

Yes, yes she was.

Wordlessly and purposefully keeping her back to him, Lenalee spread the blankets out on the bed. He blinked. Lenalee was… quite a force to be reckoned with. When she turned to gauge his reaction and saw him staring at her he had never seen her before she shrugged a bit helplessly, smiling. Problem solved, yes?

"Are you sure about this?" he asked, still not quite believing the situation.

"Yes." There was nothing else she _could_ say.

He really didn't know what he could say to protest that or if he really wanted to anymore, and she slipped under the covers and moved to the far side of the bed.

This was… going to be difficult. He lifted up a corner of the blankets and paused, sighing again at how out of control this whole situation had gotten before quickly sliding under the covers. She had said she was ok with it, so that made is okay, right?

She looked relieved that he was there and it made him feel a little better. He let out a breath and smiled to himself. "Night, Lenalee."

Lenalee smiled as well, and saying goodnight as well she rolled over. He settled back, maintaining a respectable distance, and let his eyes close. Maybe this wasn't such a bad thing. It was Lenalee after all. What was the worst that could happen?

Allen's eyes popped wide open a second later. Komui was going to kill him.

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Lenalee was annoyed when she found herself drifting in and out of sleep in fitful dozes, discomfort from the cold not letting her drift off. She rolled over quietly to see if Allen was having the same problem, but the gentle rise and fall of his chest confirmed he could sleep through just about anything. She sighed a bit at that and felt a bit envious.

She lay there watching him breath for a few minutes, comforted by his presence enough to not be quite so annoyed with the cold. Curious, she scooted a bit closer only to stop in surprise at how.. warm the covers around him were. She stared in amazement. He was like a toaster oven, she thought absently. Perhaps it had something to do with how the parasitic-type weapons worked with metabolisms?

"Fooood…" he groaned and flopped an arm over his head, a ridiculously happy smile on his face. Lenalee was startled for a moment, thinking he was waking up, but realized he was just talking in his sleep… about food. She resisted the urge to cover her face with her hand. Well, it figured. Still, it was really adorable, she thought to herself with a smile, and she found herself watching his face as he slept, captivated by the gentle look it had now.

His face twitched suddenly as if he had an itch, and flipped onto his side, back to her. He muttered in a low tone, "no… beans…" and drooled a bit. Lenalee blinked. Kanda tormented him in his dreams even?

With his back to her now, she felt emboldened - and cold. She could move a bit closer now and it would be no problem, right? Carefully, she scooted over within several inches of him, then rolled on her side with her back to his. Ahhh, she smiled to herself, her back was so warm now.

"Mmph." Oops, apparently she had moved around too much. Lenalee froze and tried to make herself as small and quiet as possible. Allen shifted next to her, as if trying to make himself more comfortable.

Before she knew what was happening, he had flopped back half on top of her and flung an arm around her like a pillow. "Marshmallow!" he cheered sleepily in her ear.

She was screaming in her head so loud it was came out as a strangled squeak in the back of her throat. Every muscle in her body snapped in tension, but she kept chanting to herself that no, it was Allen; it was Allen and he was just asleep and she _really_ shouldn't hit him.

Trembling from the overwhelming fight or flight urge, Lenalee held herself rigidly as her mind both went blank and raced a thousand different directions. This was really not what she had intended, and Allen seemed dead to the world and most pleased to have a 'pillow' to hug. He had readjusted unconsciously to where he wasn't crushing her anymore, but his arm was still in a surprisingly strong grip around her, pinning her forearms to her chest.

When she realized the world wasn't going to end in the next few minutes, Lenalee let out a shaky breath and forced herself to relax. She really had no idea what to do about this. Now that that her instinctive response was abating, it was... actually really nice. He was really warm, and his breath tickled her shoulder that his face was snuggled firmly against. Unable to fight a blush off this time, she thought long and hard for a moment, then as delicately as possible shifted so that she was more comfortably aligned with him. Her eyes started to drift shut as she dimly realized this really was quite comfortable.

Suddenly, she realized she could feel his heartbeat very clearly, even through his shirt. It surprised her, and she found herself transfixed by the 'sound' of it. Feeling that and having his arm wrapped around her made her feel very… special for some reason. She let out a sigh and murmured quietly, "Really, Allen…"

He clutched her tighter for a moment, as if hearing her. "Mfpt."

Holding back a laugh at that, Lenalee closed her eyes and let herself drift off.


	3. Desire: part 2

For those who haven't experienced the joys of lake effect snow… yes… it really can snow that much. The area I placed them in has had 141 inches in one blizzard. How fun is THAT? Yes, it is EVER so fun. /sarcasm

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**Desire – part 2**

_"But we are careless, foolish, reckless. We play the same scene over and over again._  
_But I think you know with just one look.  
Meaning lies between the lines.__"_

_**"Breaking the 4th Wall" - The Reasoning**  
_

She was wonderfully comfortable, but Lenalee found herself waking up every time Allen shifted or muttered. She had tried a few times to move his arm, but it was still draped quite heavily across her and she feared she would wake him if she tried any harder. Finally she opened her eyes to see it at least looked a bit lighter outside, meaning it surely had to be morning by now.

Actually… Lenalee frowned to herself. What should she do since Allen was still asleep? Surely she couldn't let him wake up like this. He'd be so embarrassed. Since moving his arm seemed futile without brute force, she slowly tried to ease out by shimmying down. She made good progress until she realized there was no way she could get her head out from under that arm. She was getting rather annoyed with That Arm, comforting though it was. Letting out a bit of an irritated sigh, she slid back into their original position. This was a bit unexpected, she thought dryly.

Her shifting around seemed to have to lightened Allen's sleep, because he started to fidget again. Alright, this was it, she decided. She took a deep breath.

"Lenalee…"

Eh? The quiet murmur as he hugged himself to her again caught her completely off guard. "Allen?" she ventured in a whisper, but there was no response. Had he been dreaming of her? Her eyes widened a bit at the thought.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sensation that something didn't feel right. Well, different. Allen shifted again, and Lenalee realized there was a strange pressure against, well, her rear. What was..

Her eyes went wide after a moment. No… Absolutely not.

No.

It twitched.

"ALLEN WALKER!"

Allen sat up hard, sending the squirrel that had been nesting in his hair flying. She never called him by his full name, certainly not in that tone . "L-lenalee?!" She was backed into a corner of the bed as far from him as she could get, shakily pointing at him with extremely wide eyes and acting most un-Lenalee.

"Y-y.. y.. you! You…!" He continued staring at her, not comprehending, still waking up.

"PERVERT!" And she slapped him on instinct.

Stunned, Allen reeled for a second. "W-what did you do that for? I'm not!" he defended heatedly, holding the offended cheek.

Her mouth worked like she was trying to form the words but unable to, still pointing at him for lack of something better. Her finger dipped for a second and he stared blankly at her for a moment, not understanding, before he realized.

If she had been in any mood other than pure shock, Lenalee would have marveled at how quickly he could go from white as a sheet to beet red before dropping like a stone to try and hide the lower part of his body. "I WAS ASLEEP!" he shouted, and the embarrassment threatened to eat him alive.

"That doesn't matter!" She couldn't think about it. Lenalee _really _couldn't reconcile Allen how she pictured him and this situation so she looked aside in embarrassment, suddenly not able to look at him. He was apologizing, trying to explain, but it burned her ears and so with a somewhat frantic, dismissive wave of her hand she dove past him and rushed from the room.

He almost tried to stop her but couldn't bring himself to even move. Allen could only stare as she left, not happy to see her leave while upset but also more than relieved to have a few minutes to himself to collect his sanity back. Still, he grimaced to see her storm out, knowing how awkward things were now and that it was his fault. Probably. In a manner of speaking. Not really. Did it matter? He hid his face in his hands. "Aaah, dreams can be so inconvenient…" He'd never be able to look Lenalee in the face again.

He stayed in the bedroom that morning for a very, very long time, dreading having to encounter Lenalee. Starvation eventually forced him out and he moved about quietly, praying that she wouldn't notice him but knowing it impossible. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, but she sat by the fire with an unreadable expression on her face. He didn't dare say a word and quickly retreated back to the bedroom. He watched the snow out the window for lack of much else to do. Startled by the fast accumulation over what had already been deep snow, he realized that having a door in the ceiling might not be a bad idea. If they were going to try to find Link and the Finders at all this might be a last chance before getting snowed in. Ooh, Link, Allen realized suddenly. … That guy was going to kill him.

He went to see Lenalee, realizing he really had no choice but to talk with her now. She seemed lost in thought, staring at the fire with her straight back and posture neat.

"The… snow," Allen began tentatively, smiling in nervousness. "I'm going to go look for the others before it gets much deeper. Can… I borrow your golem?"

"That's fine," she answered calmly and something about the neutral tone bothered him, but he didn't press his luck.

He trudged for hours but found no signs of their divided party, nor did the golem react to anything. They must have wandered really far off track when they got separated, he realized grimly. He stayed out as long as he could, both in the hopes of finding a sign and, well, he really didn't want to face Lenalee. Eventually, though, he had no choice and followed the golem back to its mistress.

It was after dark by the time he got back and Lenalee wasn't in sight. Given how her golem fluttered at the bedroom door he presumed her asleep and Allen let out a breath he hadn't realize he had been holding. The fact he felt relief made him feel a bit stupid. It was _Lenalee_ - what was he worried about?

Brushing the snow off his coat his coat a bit sullenly, he questioned not for the first time his sanity of late. Sometimes his brain just felt hijacked.

Later, as he munched on a very stale piece of bread and watched the fire, a scampering sound to his side caught his attention and he regarded the squirrel sourly. "Oh, it's you…" It stood on its hind legs and regarded him quizzically. Allen watched it for a moment, then sighed and his face softened. "That's fine. I guess you're the only one I can talk to, huh," he said as he tossed it a piece of bread and watched as it gleefully snatched it up and started to chew delicately on it. He couldn't help but smile a bit at that and it stayed by him a bit more comfortably, though it soon begged for another scrap.

Allen did frown a bit at it. No need to get greedy.

Not too much later, a voice surprised him. "Allen?"

He froze up for a moment, not quite sure what to expect, and tentatively turned to look towards her voice. She had wrapped a blanket around herself and looked concerned; something about that made him feel relieved and a bit more comfortable. He blinked when she paused suddenly and stared at something above him. "Allen… your head…" She pointed. "You have a squirrel."

"Oh," he said, glancing upwards where he could feel the little animal perched. He flashed her nervous grin. "I think he likes me now."

Lenalee couldn't help but laugh at that and the sight of them. She moved to sit down next to Allen and he scooted a bit to let her get closer to the fire. He watched her closely as she stared into the fire with a sad smile and a distant look on her face. "I'm really an idiot," she said at last.

That wasn't what he had expected. Allen waved his hands in denial. "No, no. I really screwed up," he said emphatically.

Lenalee gave him as odd look, though it wasn't quite like she was surprised at his reaction. She smiled a bit instead, relief at seeing him act like himself. "I wouldn't say that. You didn't really do anything. Not consciously." She blushed a bit, uncharacteristic for her, and looked aside. He had to as well from the memory. "So… I can't stay upset at you for something like that." She smiled at him, still a bit sadly. "Please forgive me?"

His expression tugged at her, the one with the gentle eyes and real smile. He barely avoided and impulse to tuck a loose strand of her hair back. "Of course. I'm glad." He paused at her skeptical look before elaborating. "That we can be friends like this again."

She smiled at that, linking her hand with his. "Silly Allen."

The squirrel went skittering and they leaned against each other lightly, shoulder to shoulder as they watched the fire wordlessly, traces of smiles still on their faces.

"I wonder when the storm will end, or if Tim will find help." If there was any help that could make it in this storm, Lenalee wondered.

Allen glanced at her. "He should make it to the city by tomorrow, I hope. There has to be someone there that can figure this out," he said, looking with a bit of worry at the windows which were now almost fully buried in snow.

Eventually, she started to nod off, tired from lack of sleep from the night before. Feeling drowsy himself, Allen nudged her awake, saying she ought to get to bed and she nodded sleepily. He helped her to her feet and escorted her to her room where she sat back on the bed with a yawn. He was smiling and saying goodnight when she caught his sleeve suddenly, firmly, but when he looked at her in surprise she was steadfastly looking anywhere but him. This was... odd. "Lenalee?" he ventured, smiling awkwardly.

She seemed to be frowning in concentration again before looking up resolutely at him. "Can you stay for a bit?" He seemed ready to go into an absolute fit so she went on as calmly and confidently as she could. "Last night… I was really cold, and you were really warm, and it really helped when you held me."

He looked ready to faint. "I... what?"

"Mm," she nodded in emphasis. "You called me marshmallow." Now she did frown, though it lacked menace.

He what… Allen felt dizzy, like his soul was sinking again. The scattered fragments of dreams made more sense now. Had he really... with Lenalee. THAT was how she had noticed? He slumped, clutching at the mattress. "I'm the worst," he said wretchedly, then looked up in surprise when he heard her laugh.

Though amused, Lenalee's eyes reflected warmth. "Don't make me say please."

"R-right.." he agreed reluctantly, still off his composure, but he worked off his boots and crawled under the covers with her, not really knowing what to expect. When he stayed rather rigidly on his back, Lenalee had to laugh at the expression on his face, though it made her feel guilty on some level as well.

Thinking for a moment and watching his tense expression, something clicked and Lenalee sat up suddenly, pulling the covers over her head and his and sitting back. He made a startled sound and started to sit up, but she smiled at him. "Like this…" She paused for a moment, and that sad little smile was back on her face. "My brother used to put me at ease like this, when I was a child. He'd make a tent out of blankets, and we'd hide under it and pretend none of the bad stuff in the world existed. That the Order didn't exist.."

Allen's expression softened. "The Order… you really don't like it, do you Lenalee?"

"I hate it," she said without hesitation. "But… everyone I love is in it. And I can't leave, so… there's really no option." She gave him a reassuring smile that didn't reach her eyes. "But because everyone I love is there, it makes it easier because I'm fighting for them. They make it home."

Empathy twisted in his heart, recognizing that sad smile as his own, and he sat up, joining her in the 'tent'. He wanted to say there was always an option, but the idea seemed unrealistic in his head. For both of them… there was always the Order and for that at least there would never be another option. "Home is where the heart is, right?" he grinned, trying to cheer her up, though a part of him still felt miserable. He had had an awful childhood without a doubt, but Lenalee had certainly endured horrors as well and he wondered just how long she had been imprisoned before her brother came.

She had to laugh at the corniness of his statement, but Lenalee went somber again and touched his left arm where under his shirt it joined with the rest of his body. "With that arm I guess you didn't really have a choice either."

"No," he said truthfully, looking at his arm and making a fist. "From what I can remember I was born with it."

Lenalee's expression saddened and she stroked the alien arm. "That's unusual."

A lot seemed to be unusual about him, Allen thought a bit glumly. What Cross had said about the Musician, the white room – none of it really made sense. It didn't help that he hadn't been able to speak with his Master since he had whisked off to the conference. His Master… Allen's face twitched automatically.

He looked up to see Lenalee peering at him with an intent look. She laughed. "Sometimes your face is very expressive when you think."

Heh, probably, he realized with a bit of a sheepish look. Any time he thought about General Cross in particular. "So…" he ventured after a pause, feeling a bit awkward and rather tired.

Lenalee watched him for a moment as she thought back, but smiled at his expression. "I think you're taking this too seriously," she said, keeping her tone purposefully light and giving him a light push on the chest.

How come you're not?, he thought in some panic, all at once quite aware of her presence again. Normal people didn't do things like this. At least not when they weren't involved in that way. Maybe she was this calm because that wasn't even something on her mind? That made him feel a bit disappointed, oddly. He blinked. Maybe she was gay.

A tug on his sleeve distracted him from his scattered thoughts, and he looked down to see Lenalee looking up at him a bit quizzically. She smiled after a moment. "It's okay, really," she reassured.

He was doomed. Komui was going to kill him just so he could resurrect him and kill him again. Hyper-aware, he shifted and lay back on his side, facing Lenalee's back. He scooted a bit closer after a moment, not quite sure what to do. While he hovered, Lenalee rolled over enough to see his face and she blinked when he gave her a nervous grin. Sighing, she grabbed his hand, and before he could protest she had scooted back so that her back was against his chest and wrapped his arm around her waist… though she curled to keep her backside firmly away from him.

Allen was white. After the shock wore off and he could breathe again he looked down at Lenalee's head with a guilty blush. It made him feel terrible, thinking about Lenalee in that way, but it was hard not to in a compromising state like this. He missed feeling comfortable around her. When it was like this, she just seemed so… distant. She was in his arms but seemed so far away. After a long moment, he gulped and guiltily let himself relax against her though he didn't dare to move his hand an inch from where it was on her abdomen. So.. close.. to.. He gulped again and hid his face in her hair, hating himself all over again. Dimly, he marveled at how soft her hair was – how soft she was.

She made a content sound when she felt him relax, and a thought occurred to him. Maybe… she just liked to be held every once in a while. He smiled quietly at that, feeling calmer. A bit more confident, he shifted his arm so it was a more comfortable, though he found himself holding a breath as he did so. Taking no reaction from Lenalee to be a good sign, he let the breath go and she laughed lightly at that. Really, how did he get himself into these situations, he thought miserably to himself. Still, he realized as his eyes drooped a bit, it was really comfortable.

Lenalee had to smile at his reactions; they were just too sweet. Having barely kept herself from shaking in nervousness as well, she let herself relax as well. After a moment, though, her expression saddened. She really did feel bad at making him so uncomfortable, but there was something about being with him like this that… she didn't quite know, but she knew she wanted to keep having moments like this. Despite her tiredness she kept herself awake, wanting the moment to last.

After some time she felt Allen's arm start to get heavy and with a bit of alarm she realized he must have fallen asleep. Not wanting to get trapped again she started to roll over to sit up but stopped partway, catching sight of his face. Ah, he fell asleep with his necktie and vest still on, she realized with a fond smile. She lowered herself back, rolling over to face him. Compulsively she reached out to brush his hair from his face. With some surprise she realized his face looked more mature when he was asleep and not sleep-talking about food with that silly expression, especially with the longer hair.

Something unfamiliar ached deep in her heart and Lenalee found herself staring suddenly at his slightly parted lips. Every thought in her head said how bad that was, stupid, dangerous, absolutely out of bounds. But the aching feeling grew heavier in her chest, almost pain, and Lenalee bit her lip. She couldn't, not to Allen, her dearest friend and companion.

But other thoughts, ones she was sure made her wicked, rushed around in her head as well. It seemed like he might care about her beyond just friendship. Sometimes he would look at her with such a tender expression she couldn't help but wonder. It had been just about all she could think about all day after the morning incident. He dreamed about her like 'that' it seemed as well. It had made her start thinking about him as more than a friend. But, she knew a lot about the Order and Exorcists just didn't do relationships like that. People... messed around, sure, but it just wasn't the kind of atmosphere where you could expect to maintain much more.

"Allen," she whispered miserably, feeling defeated. This wasn't fair.

He stirred lightly but didn't wake. She shut her eyes tight and the heavy feeling in her chest was almost unbearable. She felt like she was physically sick and her mind clouded. Her God was a merciless one, tempting her like this.

She thought of regret, and looking at him again felt her resolve break. He doesn't have to know, she reasoned lamely.

She leaned forward quickly, pausing a breath away to look at him. His face was so close… Doubt ate at her.

Before she could regain her senses, Lenalee shifted and ghosted her lips against his in the faintest of kisses.

She was unforgivable, but she couldn't stop herself.

When looking back at that moment later she couldn't recall how it had felt, because in the next instant sheer terror lanced up her spine. His breath had hitched.

He wasn't asleep anymore.


	4. Desire: part 3

**Desire - part 3**

_"He stared into the night, no expectations, but in his heart he wanted to believe that somehow someone would be waiting there ...  
While that night, all that night, the snow came down."_

_**"Snow Came Down" - Trans-Siberian Orchestra**  
_

Oh god... what had she...

Lenalee drew back, instinctively covering her mouth with her hands while completely horrified and lost in Allen's wide-eyed stare, still only inches apart.

This was so unlike her, she was usually in control. She knew she could get angry, she was usually happy these days, but then she had gone and done that and now this was like a fireworks of emotions going off, mostly shame and fear.

"A-allen," she managed weakly, trying to think clearly but not able. Mentally, she grasped wildly for what she should say. He seemed equally, no, probably more stunned as his eyes tried to refocus on her. He jerked up suddenly, still staring at her. He seemed about to say something, but she didn't want to hear it, hating herself. "I'm sorry," she nearly sobbed, leaping over him and off the bed effortlessly.

He grabbed at her hand, trying to stop her but she was too fast. "Wait!" he cried out, and hearing his voice nearly crack made Lenalee stop. He was still just sitting there staring at her like he had never seen her before in his life, his face in complete shock and strange mix of trepidation and amazement. It broke her heart, making her feel all the worse, and she sank to the floor, dimly realizing that she really had nowhere to flee when it really came down to it.

He watched her for a long moment, wondering if he had imagined things but knowing that it couldn't be the case with her reacting like this. "Lenalee… just now," he paused, not even able to say it.

"I said I was sorry!" she blurted, and tears welling in her eyes made her cover her face with her hands.

Pained, Allen moved instinctively, rising out of bed and kneeling down next to her. He really did hate to see her suffer like this, and that pushed most of his other madly rushing thoughts out of his head. "Don't cry, please," he said quietly, almost putting a hand on her shoulder but deciding not to at the last moment.

After a moment she looked up, but he was looking at her while that gentle, sad smile. The empathy hurt and she had to look away. "The smile of yours is like a blade, Allen," she said, smiling rather sadly to herself and wondering how much she had just hurt their friendship.

His eyes softened at that, and Allen sat back slightly, unsure of what to do or say. She really had… he didn't blush, not in a mood like this, just sat there and marveled. He wouldn't have ever expected that, honestly and completely. Not from Lenalee.

She seemed so very upset though that after a moment he did tentatively reach a hand out to touch her shoulder reassuringly. He jumped a bit with a surprised sound in the back of his throat when, taking that as an invitation, she launched herself against his chest and clutched at his vest. He supposed wryly somewhere back in a corner of his mind, he should be getting used to her lunging by now. Even so he was slowly becoming more familiar with it, so after an awkward moment he brought both arms up, letting them circle around her in a loose embrace.

Allen let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and his head spun again after they had sat there quietly for a moment, Lenalee trembling and still half crying into his shoulder. For her to be this upset that kiss couldn't be something he could dismiss lightly. This changed things a lot. A lot. It kind of scared him as well. He _liked_ being friends with Lenalee. She was his closest companion and the first girl his own age he had been friends with.

A part of him wondered miserably at how much of this was his fault. Yes, he had looked at her more than a friend should sometimes. Pretty frequently. She'd do something in a way that made it unable for him _not_ to look and think how cute she was. It wasn't like him, really. He had always carried himself loftily with the self-impression that he would _never_ be like his master, that he was the gentlemen and would treat women as such. But Lenalee had kept catching his eye in random moments since fairly soon after he had met her. Still, she seemed so oblivious to it and so comfortable around him that it was easy to completely ignore anything it meant and just enjoy the friendship they had.

But now _she_ had kissed _him_…

Allen trembled a bit as well, the foundation of a fairly important part of his world cracking. "People don't usually cry after kissing someone, do they?" he tried to say lightly, but his laugh was just as nervous as the brusque pat on the back he gave her. He was glad to hear her chuckle weakly against his shoulder.

"No, I guess they don't," she admitted. She didn't pull back just yet though. "Allen, you're not mad at me?"

"What?" he blinked at that and pulled back, holding her by the shoulders. "Why would I be mad?" That at least he was sure he wasn't.

"You were asleep and…" she stared at him, realizing he _wasn't_ . "Most people would be upset at that."

"I'm not," he said, smiling warmly to reassure her. He felt so very completely _off_ though, like he was sailing without map or compass.

The relief on her face was obvious and the completely happy smile she got reminded him again suddenly why he sometimes found himself looking at her. But, it really had to be asked, and Lenalee looked at him in earnest and serious again. "Why is that?"

Eh? Feeling nervous and a bit put on the spot, he glanced to the side. "I guess," he began and struggled, trying to find the right words. He sweat a bit, the mood had shifted again. He looked back at her and managed a sheepish grin. "I guess if anyone were to kiss me, I'd rather it be you," he managed, feeling lame.

She stared at him for that and Allen was taken about for a moment, thinking he might have just seen her blush for a brief moment. Finally, she leaned back and laughed genuinely, light and like bells. He grinned at that, feeling relieved. Maybe they were still okay.

She seemed to sober a bit, lost in her thoughts. "Does that mean you want to as well?" she asked, making herself look him in the eye.

Not okay! Not okay not okay not okay, his mind screamed at him and all at once he felt awkward all over again. Staring at her with a wild expression he exclaimed, "W-what are you talking about?"

Lenalee took a deep breath and looked him in the eye once more. "Do you want to kiss me as well?"

He felt panic rising once more. Dimly, some part of him realized that it would… yes, actually, be very nice to kiss Lenalee. Very. However… Allen hung his head, silent for a long moment. Finally, he placed his hands on her shoulders again and looked up with such a very sad smile that it broke her heart before he said anything. "No," he said, eyes gentle and looking so very old beyond his years.. "I don't. I…" he struggled for a moment and tried to smile again. "I don't want to lose you as a friend, Lenalee," he said, and he could smile for real at that. "That's much more important to me."

"Allen…" she managed, feeling weak, and slumped against him. Lenalee shut her eyes tight. His friendship was important to her, too. She knew him to be lying somewhat as well to protect both of them. Her friends were literally her world, and ever since meeting him Allen had been steadily nudging his way into a larger and larger part of that world. Now if she were without him or her brother she might shatter. It meant so very much to her, but she wasn't sure if she could forget recent events, either. She struggled with herself. "Can't there…" she said after a long pause of lying there, feeling his chin resting lightly against her head. "Can't there be both?"

She felt him tense up for a moment before going still, and the chin against her leaned more heavily. "We don't really have that luxury, do we," he pointed out and his tone was rather subdued.

"Mm," she had to concede, hiding her face further against the comfort of his shoulder. "The Order tends to frown on that kind of thing for Exorcists, I think." They stayed silent for a moment before she went on, face still hidden. "Allen, I still did what I did despite that."

Allen stilled again before he actually clutched her to him, and Lenalee thought it both so sweet and so terrible at the same time. "Please, stop," he said, apparently at too much of a loss for his usual deflections, and his tone was desperate. It hurt her that he hurt, but she drew back to smile up at him though there were signs of tears in the corners of her eyes.

She touched a hand to his cursed cheek, absently brushing back a wayward bang. "The way I see it," she continued, trying to explain and struggling to maintain her calm and gentle smile. "You're too much of my world now to really care about that sort of thing." A weight lifted from her chest, and now she could smile genuinely, brilliantly. He stared at her. He started to say her name, and her heart tugged at the torn and vulnerable look he had.

He kissed her a bit too hard but she didn't mind, clutching instead at him and he to her, both of them breaking. Silent tears, happy and scared at the same time, ran down her face and mingled with his.

The wind and snow raged further outside, slowly burying the little shack as the two clung together, each an anchor for the other in the various screaming maelstroms.

_._

_._

_._

_.  
_

Allen woke slowly, an odd thing for him, but there was a warm comfort sinking deep into his bones that made alertness difficult. There was also a moderately heavy pressure against him, and he realized it was Lenalee still sleeping on top of him. He watched her for a moment, a light flush on his cheeks but not disturbed as he would have been any day before last night.

… He had NO idea what last night meant, practically speaking, Allen realized with a sigh and a bit of guilt. They were… together, of a sorts. That much he knew. Still, he didn't think they were boyfriend and girlfriend per se, but there was nothing else he could think of to describe people as close as they were that also kissed like that.

She stirred and he couldn't help but smile. Though she was crushing him a bit, it was nice to wake up like this, that much was true. Ah, actually.. He flushed, and scooted his hips a bit to the side until she subconsciously responded to the next most comfortable position and slipped half on her side, half still on top of him though her chest was still mostly pressed against his, the main source of his problem. A bit too nice. Allen sighed heavily, feeling like he had dodged a bullet. He could deal without another day of stony silence from misunderstandings. I mean, _really_, it wasn't like he had a conscious decision in the matter or anything.

The movement was enough to wake her though, and Lenalee slowly blinked her eyes awake to find Allen watching her with a surprised and a bit of a relieved expression. "Ah, good morning," he said, smiling brightly.

He was polite as ever. Her eyes smiled at that and she paused for a moment before leaning up and kissing him on the cheek . She pulled back, smiling brightly herself as well now. "Good morning. Sleep well?"

"Ah.." Allen blinked, a bit surprised and fighting the urge to touch the affected cheek. "Yeah. You?" he asked a bit awkwardly. She nodded happily, watching him for a moment before he felt the need to break the silence. "Lenalee… what now?"

She looked somber at that and was silent for a moment before she moved closer and tucked her face lightly in the space between his neck and his shoulder, letting her eyes drift partially shut. "I don't really know." Her breath against his neck distracted him. "I don't know how accepted something like this would be openly." And by that she meant she knew it wouldn't be, but she couldn't bring herself to say it as such.

He didn't really have an answer to that but had to agree, staring a bit sullenly at the ceiling. What were they supposed to do with always being out on separate missions? Link and his observation? The mystery of his shadow and the Musician? They hadn't been thinking clearly the night before in the impulse and the drama, but… Allen sighed to himself, feeling her hair against his cheek and the contours of her face against his neck. But he couldn't deny it felt so very natural it was almost _un_natural.

"…." Hearing the silence so loudly, Allen glanced out of the corner of his eye at Lenalee, just able to catch her doing the same with an intense stare. Actually, a rather impressive one-eyed corner stare he noted with the realization her perceptiveness could be a bit scary. "Allen," she said, looking a bit pained. "Does it trouble you?"

He faltered for a moment before smiling with a gentle look in his eyes at the concern on her face. "A bit, I guess," he admitted. It was a bit more honest than he liked or was used to, but he felt that he should be more so now. "It's more that I don't know what to do, really," he said, meaning to reassure her.

Allen felt a bit awkward when she looked away from him and stayed silent for a long moment. "I think," she began finally, still not looking at him. "I think things shouldn't change much, really.. but," and her pause kept his stomach from sinking. "But… I like being like this," she cried, fisting his shirt in desperation and hiding her face against his neck further. "I don't want to give it up. Not _ever_. So.." He tried to hold her helplessly as she cried again. "Please.. can we just be friends but also like this?"

"Lenalee," he managed finally with a quaver, shifting a bit on his side to stare at her. His right arm was still trapped somewhat painfully under her. Softening at the guilty and distressed state she was in, he wrapped his left arm around her and held her against him. "I think…" he struggled mentally with the idea, but found himself lacking objections he could articulate and hugged her tighter. "I think that's alright," he said finally, nestling his chin against her forehead. "I don't think I want stop this, either," he admitted with a flush, still feeling rather confused but a bit clearer now.

Lenalee drew back to see his face and smiled at that, a small laugh of happiness just behind her lips. He paused, looking at her before bringing his left hand up – his right still trapped – and took extra care to brush some of the tears from before from her cheek. It didn't work so well as he knew that hand to be hard and plated, and a bit frustrated at the inability of his left hand he impulsively leaned in to kiss away the remaining rivulet.

Lenalee froze at the tender gesture, blinking and a small sound of surprise and content in her throat. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, she wrapped her arms around his neck, eyes squeezed shut from the emotions bubbling unbidden in her. Without any thought, she shifted and met his lips with her own, needing to express the relief, affection, and need that was coursing in her.

Allen was surprised at first and went stiff, still not used to being kissed, but it was too nice to not appreciate and he relaxed, letting himself lean against her. He shuddered when she moved her lips against his. Ah, this was a bit much then…

Not sure if the tingling, warm feeling was more painful than pleasant, Allen drew back after a moment and was surprised at how much air he needed. "We should probably get up," he said, trying to change the topic.

Lenalee seemed similarly distracted but recovered faster. "Yeah," she agreed, looking finally out.. or trying to look out the window. Ah, so that's why the room seemed so dark, they both realized in dismay. "The snow… it's buried the window completely," she breathed, not quite believing it. "How is that possible?"

Silent, Allen looked gloomily at the dimly lit snow against the glass panes. The sun was out there somewhere, faintly illuminating the snow at the window. "I wonder if we'll have enough air." He glanced at the ceiling. "I think there's enough of a draft at the edges there won't be an issue."

She nodded with a distant expression, following his gaze. Suddenly, she exclaimed, "Oh, Allen, your hair!" Her hands, still around his neck, tried to stroke it and he yelped at the unexpected pain. She winced a bit in empathy but smiled sheepishly at him. "That's why you're supposed to take the tie off before sleeping," she explained, disentangled her hand from the unbound mess that was now his hair.

They sat up, Allen looking gloomy and grumbling about the inconvenience of it all. Her hair was now long enough that she carried a brush with her she explained as she brandished it, but Allen eyed her with a very wary and rather annoyed expression. Really, this hair thing was such a _pain_.

He put up with it very well though, sighing and holding himself still while Lenalee sat behind him and delicately tried to tease the knots out. It hurt, far more than he was used to with his normally short cut, and she laughed at his sensitivity. She tried to explain what it would be like if it had been _her_ originally long hair and he had the shudder at the thought of that agony.

Remembering her hair, the long ponytails, he sobered. "Lenalee, what exactly did happen that day? What happened to your hair?" He knew it had something to do with her Innocence taking over and sealing her, but that was it.

She stopped brushing for a moment as if remembering, then smiled ruefully and continued. "It burned," she said, and when he tried to turn in surprise to look at her she put her hands on both sides of his head and made him look straight ahead so she could continue brushing before continuing. "It burned off.. We had encountered a level 3 while on the sea to Edo. I destroyed it, but.." she seemed to struggle. "That was when I had to unlock my Innocence and the force of the fire burned it off. But you did the same, didn't you, Allen?"

Suman… Allen hung his head, drawing an annoyed sound from her at the change in brushing. "Yeah," he admitted. "But it didn't help. That Noah got away and Suman was gone."

He sat there, brooding quietly as she finished in silence and tied his hair back into a ponytail with the red ribbon. Suddenly, she was leaning down by his ear and hugging him lightly. "I already told you," she said, sounding resolute and he could feel her smile against his ear. "You saved his heart. That matters, and it means you didn't fail."

He hung his head slightly, her words though similar to that first time still affecting him. He turned slightly after a moment to look at her over his shoulder, a strained smile on his face. "You're really strong, Lenalee."

She smiled at that and shook her head before grabbing his hand and leading him off the bed.

That day they eyed the buried windows warily, wondering what it meant in terms of whether they should escape or not, the whistling from high above signaling the storm still raged and discouraged travel. Allen noted that Timcanpy should have arrived or would be soon to the east coast headquarters in New York City, and at the very least they could expect backup from there… in probably four days. They had looked at each other quite seriously then, realizing how dire that was and suddenly aware of the state of their supplies and the full-strength howling of the blizzard.

She asked him to teach her poker at one point since he always carried the cards with him, and the unbidden _demonic_ yet delighted look he got made her demand he do so with his sleeves rolled up. Allen sighed as he lost to her more than he wanted to, but he couldn't cheat as he instinctively would otherwise and she watched his left arm shrewdly.

Unable to do much of anything else they laughed and played the games they had at hand, keeping their spirits light since all they could do was wait out the worst of the storm or wait for a backup team. They had already recovered the fragment of Innocence in this region that the desperate New York branch had asked them to get, so the only hurry was to rejoin their party and return to… quasi-headquarters so they could move to their new home.

Halfway through their poker tournament the squirrel had returned from whatever hiding spot it had and clung to Allen's head. Lenalee started losing badly, finding the hysterical sight a bit too much for her concentration on the weird game. "I think I'll call him Timcanpy the Second," Allen had remarked finally, looking up at the fluff he couldn't see, and Lenalee had laughed.

When it became darker still and they were tired again, they shrugged off their coats and with a bit of hesitation and flush they walked to the bed, hands brushing together on the way. Feeling awkward as they took their boots off as well but nothing else, they slid into bed wordlessly, facing each other and watching quietly for a moment. Finally, she had moved and tucked herself against him, face nestled against his collarbone in what was becoming a favorite spot of hers. He sighed quietly at that, still feeling guilty at his thoughts of her, but wrapped an arm around her shoulders nonetheless.

Tangled together, they drifted fitfully off to sleep in the cold and the howling.


	5. Desire: part 4

Hey look, it's time to start adding in actual plot and crap amongst the fluff.

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**Desire - part 4**

_"Talking about the dream like the dream is over. Talk like that won't get you nowhere.__  
Everybody's trusting in the heart like the heart don't lie.  
And that's all that I need: someone else to cling to, someone I can lean on until I don't need to. Because that's all that I need right now."_

_**"All That I Need" - Matchbox 20**_

It hadn't been something that he would have thought, not that he had ever really thought about this, but sleeping with someone else – and he really just meant _sleeping_ – was very difficult. They moved. They made sounds. Their breath tickled. Their hair tickled. They felt too nice. They were… distracting.

He sighed and resolved himself to his fate as Lenalee shifted in her sleep to press herself against his back. They had a tendency to follow one around even if they moved, too.

Allen's eyes drifted partway shut. Still.. it felt really nice, even if it made his cheeks darken, and he found himself focusing on her breathing the way one meditating might on their own heart. Thinking about it almost made him feel ill that it was this comfortable, that he was this comfortable beyond the occasional self-horror at a lewd thought. He was supposed to be _respectful_ to women, not that he wasn't for the most part, but laying together like this was still just altogether.. weird. Inspired bad thoughts. Not that he didn't want to keep doing it, though.

Nothing Mana had taught him had prepared him for a scenario like this, and Cross… well, even so, he wouldn't trust anything Cross told him on matters like this as far as he could throw the bastard. Less, actually. A lot less.

Her arm had automatically draped over him when she turned and it made Allen smile contentedly, bringing his left hand up to squeeze hers lightly. The contact seemed to wake her as well because she squeezed back and he felt her eyelashes flutter against the nape of his neck, an unexpected contact that made him shudder at the intimacy.

She sneezed – very cutely, he couldn't help but notice – when his hair tickled her nose. Sensing her grogginess he had to chuckle lightly, a bit guilty. "Can't sleep either?" he asked.

Lacing her fingers with his, she murmured something non-intelligible that he knew to be an agreement as he could feel it against his skin. It made him pause, realizing that so much in a situation like this was about _feeling_ a sound, not so much about hearing it. Something in him craved to feel more of that, too, and guiltily he brought her hand up to skim a vague kiss across it.

She made a content sound and squeezed his hand again, her thumb flicking unconsciously across the green cross.

_SINGING._

He was flat on his back, gasping for air and clutching his head. There was a knelling of scenes in his head, over and over, random moments he had never seen before. As soon as he saw them he forgot them, and after a moment of shock he became slowly aware of Lenalee perched over him and calling out his name. Woozily, he blinked the ringing from his mind and rubbed his forehead. "Just now…" he began, but didn't know what to say. "What just happened?"

"I don't know," Lenalee answered hurriedly, seeming distraught at his abrupt episode. "You screamed and were like this all of a sudden." Something flashed in her eyes that she recognized yet didn't at the same time. "I saw…" she murmured, eyes distant for a moment, but she looked back at him with a dismayed expression. "I don't remember."

He remembered slowly and held his left hand, his cursed left hand, in front of his face so he might see it. The green of the jeweled cross in his hand seemed to smirk at him. "Lenelee," he began, sounding uncertain. "Have you ever really touched this hand before?"

She leaned back, seeming startled, and perhaps blushing a bit at the oddly intimate sounding question. She had grabbed his arm before, she remembered, but the way he was staring at the small cross in his hand made her realize he meant so differently. "I don't think so," she answered honestly. Certainly not since either of their Innocences had evolved, which she felt is what he meant. "Allen, why do you ask?"

"Just now," he said, his voice no louder than his breath. "I saw something… I _felt_ something I can't remember, and it was because of this and it seemed important." He looked at her, uncertain.

With both her hands she tentatively held his black, plated left hand, never looking away from his eyes and looking for some kind of agreement. They both seemed a bit scared, but resolved, and as she brought his hand up, to Allen's surprise, she kissed the cross.

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Her soul… felt so very cold.

Lenalee stirred and found herself on the ground of an all-too familiar desolace. There was a sound next to her, and she started in shock. "You're here as well?" she cried, not used to seeing a conscious Allen in her dreams.

"Somehow," he answered, blinking, and they stared at each other in the shocking realization that the other seemed real in this dream world they had both encountered before. She tried to touch his shoulder and they both cried out in pain as seemingly electrical sparks flared at the contact.

"You're actually real," Lenalee marveled, seeming both dismayed and utterly relieved at the same time.

"Yeah," he muttered, looking around. "This is… the black moon." He trailed off, staring at the sky. "It's different from before."

Before? She blinked at him, but a distant whispering that seemed to resonate in their very minds caught their attention. It came from a pool of water ahead and Lenalee staggered to her feet, Allen not far behind.

It bubbled and they paused. Exchanging concerned glances, they waited a moment before stepping closer again. The water seemed to still, then froze over quickly and fractured into a series of hexagons.

Faster than they could imagine the ice had grown unnaturally into a humanoid figure, up and up into a familiar shape that made Allen's heart stop. His voice, usually so quiet, boomed.

_You're early!_

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They were both screaming Allen realized as he came smashing back to reality with a raw throat. Lenalee was in his lap and arched back in agony. He grabbed onto her out of sheer desperation, shaking her by the shoulders to snap her out of it as much as himself. When she didn't respond at first he cried out her name in dismay, then again at her dead-eyed stare.

She gasped.

Her thoughts trailed like a forgotten troop of ants as she sank back into her body, only vaguely aware of the usually ever-so reserved Allen Walker kissing her chin, neck, and shoulders over and over in sheer relief. Slowly she became aware of her surroundings. Her dreams… she felt like it was them coming to her again, but the grogginess was far worse this time. "Allen… where was I?" she managed finally, still unable to focus her sight.

"I don't know," he said tightly, staring at her like they might both fade away into that phantom zone again. "You seemed dead."

"I felt like it," she murmured distantly and drooped heavily. "But.. you were there this time," she said, looking at him in some consternation.

"Yeah." He blinked, not understanding the significance of it but knowing something was wrong in the shared visions. "I don't understand it either, but I was." The horrible sight of a city he hadn't didn't recognize in ruins came back and he struggled to see her eyes. "Lenalee… you've seen that place before?"

"Mm," she admitted, looking to the side with such an old, worn expression it made him feel far too young. "That's what I see almost every night. When I watched the ark collapse I thought maybe that's what it was, but apparently not. But this time, that figure…"

Dreams of the end of the world, Allen realized with a bit of shock. That's what she had meant back then. She had been seeing this world of the black moon and death. She had been seeing the same thing he had when his Innocence had been destroyed in China. He bit his lip and buried his head up against her shoulder. But that shadow. "Was this the first time you saw that person?" he pressed, looking at her seriously.

"Yeah," she said, blinking now at his expression and seeming to realize something. "But you've seen it before?"

"In the ark, the room with the piano. It was in the window," he managed, seeming to be seeing it again in his mind's eye. The figure that followed him around in the shadows, too, but he didn't mention that part. They stopped then and stared at each other for a long moment, realizing this was something grave but not knowing how or why. They didn't need to discuss it – there was nothing more to discuss - but it made them feel very uncomfortable even as it drew them closer together. Distracted and already pressed close, they hugged each other while sitting there lost in their own thoughts.

"Sorry," he said after a long moment, smiling a bit guiltily against her shoulder. "I didn't mean to drag you into this."

"Silly," Lenalee chided fondly, stroking the back of his head. "I think I had this dream first, anyway." They drew back to look at each other and something about that quietly content look of his at meeting her eyes made her smile and lean her forehead against his, noses brushing together for a moment.

Blurred images of faces and scenes he couldn't see still flashed in his mind, but the contact with Lenalee was more than enough of a distraction and his blood was quite warm at the near-touch of their lips. It made his skin tingle inexplicably and he couldn't concentrate on the weird vision anymore. The fear and serious nature of the moment was passing and he had become physically aware of her all over again. She was his lap, their chests pressed together and her lips inches from his.

He shifted and buried his face against her neck, eyed squeezed tight and his arms around her seeming to tremble for a moment. "Lenalee," he said, voice taut and face hidden. "I think you had better move."

Blinking, she leaned back, the change in position forcing him to look at her. Catching his expression, she smiled it seemed in sympathy and brushed at his bangs. "Why?"

Startled, he stared at her and was shocked at the acceptance in her expression. "Because!" he blurted without thinking, but he couldn't think of any actual defense so he sat there blinking repeatedly at what surely must be an insane sight. Sometimes she said such _frank_ things it hurt his head.

She was laughing now at his terrified look and hugged him around the neck in a carefree fashion. He muttered something about how she touched him so familiarly already but it only made her smile more. "You're so old-fashioned, Allen," she said, drawing a mildly irked look from him.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," he complained, feeling rather turned off now and untangling her arms from around his neck. Maybe bad, no, evil boys like Cross were what women liked. Eyeing her still-amused expression, Allen _wondered_ about her for a moment, but dismissed it after a single thought.

He wasn't quite sure why, but he leaned up to catch her mouth with his as she was still pressed against him, ceasing her amusement and making her relax against him. Her lips were lightly chapped from the cold and dry air, but he really couldn't care less about that. Perhaps the close contact and surprising warmth was going to his head. This time he was the one who experimented with moving his lips against hers, though the contact was more than he had anticipated and they both shivered from the warm crackles it sent through their nerves.

He drew back after a moment and, taking advantage of the mild daze she was in, nuzzled his face against her neck. "Not that old-fashioned," he mumbled a bit grumpily, not quite sure _which_ pride he should be defending and a bit shocked at his actions, but a deep animal part of him he'd rather not admit was there was very content at her breathless state.

Lenalee stared at the top of his head for a moment in surprise before laughing and hugging him again. "You're full of surprises, Allen," she said while pulling back and, remembering the accidental contact earlier and something she had read in a story once, leaned down to bump noses with him gently.

"Ah." He blinked and after a kiss like that that rightly shouldn't be fazed by something like this, but he found himself still unable to help blushing at such a ridiculously cute, unexpected gesture and her smiling face in front of his. He wondered if that would ever grow old.

They got up after that, realizing that they weren't going to get any more sleep and needing to move. Neither liked being stuck and it was making them both a bit stir-crazy. They tried poker again for a while, but strangely he found it boring when he couldn't cheat and his life wasn't on the line. Later, they worked on their reports as best they could in the dim light, curled by the stove fire they were lucky enough to still have wood for.

"Exorcists really aren't meant to have any downtime, are we," Allen stated more than he asked with a sigh, putting the feather pen down.

"Not really," Lenelee agreed, leaning back against his chest and looking up. "Although it's not like we really have much of a choice right now."

He glanced at the buried window and looked rather gloomy. "Not unless we dug our way out, but then I'd wonder about drowning in the stuff."

She laughed quietly at that and realized to herself suddenly that she did that a lot around him now. "You really hate snow, don't you?"

"Completely," he muttered a bit darkly, seeming to remember. "Why people choose to ski I'll never know."

"Oh? You've skied?"

He seemed to shudder to his very bones. "I wouldn't call it that."

"Allen…" not knowing what to say at the moody he had while lost in thought, Lenalee let out a somewhat exasperated sigh. The still-new sight of his ponytail draped over his shoulder caught her eye and she reached up to finger the ends. An idea flickered in her eyes and she sat up, drawing him out of his daydreams.

"What are you doing?" he inquired, watching her curiously and with a bit of skepticism. He didn't know if he was really okay with people playing with his hair. But it was Lenalee..

"I shouldn't?" she asked distractedly, nudging him lightly until he moved so she could situate herself behind him. She smiled, smoothing the white strands out. "I'm sorry, it's just that I'm not used to it yet so I notice it. Don't worry, it's not like it'll hurt this time."

Maybe, he thought to himself, but he didn't protest, curious more than anything. "Just please don't braid it." Allen sighed at the thought, feeling suddenly like a doll.

She had to laugh at that. "I did that to Kanda when we were kids. He hated it."

"You braided that idiot's hair?" Allen exclaimed, a bit shocked and involuntarily trying to turn to look at her. He didn't know how he felt about that -- whether he should laugh derisively at the mental image or feel grumpy over Lenalee talking about the homicidal beast so fondly.

"He's not so bad," she said, still chuckling lightly as she played with his hair. "Kanda's actually pretty kind when it comes down to it. He was always there for me when we were kids. You should give him a chance."

"Not likely," he muttered, staring rather sullenly into the fire. He had a lot of room in his heart, he really did. Blindingly so.

But _not_ for Kanda.

Sensing his general displeasure, Lenalee stopped her idle play and leaned back against the chair, watching the back of his head. After a moment, she scooted a bit further back and, knees bent, stretched her long legs out on either side of him. He turned at that, looking curious, but she smiled and tugged at a corner of his vest until he obliged and leaned back cautiously.

She let her arms drape around his neck and chest in a loose hug, smiling at how soft yet ticklish his hair was against her throat. Allen made a small startled sound in the back of his throat at the outright snuggle but stilled, figuring it better to relax if this was the new normal. Actually, he realized as he tried to relax, after hearing about what she did to the idiot Kanda he was kind of disappointed she hadn't tried to put his hair in a braid.

It felt awkward and comfortable at the same time. Allen found himself trying to not lean back fully, irrationally fearful of crushing her. He was also painfully aware of where his head was and how her thighs felt on either side of him, a lot more so than when they had been lying in bed earlier. She seemed quite content like this, though, so he didn't say anything and sighed again at the situation, guiltily enjoying it. She either didn't know the effect she had on him or he had _quite_ misjudged how evil Lenalee could be.

He let himself lean his head back slightly, then blinked when he saw Lenalee staring at him intently again. "Are you uncomfortable?" she asked, sounding concerned.

Aaa, she was scarily perceptive as ever he realized with a bit of shock, blinking repeatedly. "O-oh! No! Just…" he flashed an awkward grin, more awkward even that as he was still resting against her chest and having to crane his neck at an odd angle to see her face. "I'm a bit worried my weight might crush you."

"Oh," she blinked, seeming a bit surprised that was his concern. "It's alright, I'm pretty tough and you're small like me."

Small… Allen was able to fully collapse against her then, though he couldn't appreciate it in the slightest. Lenalee had called him small… His mind felt like static.

"Isn't this usually the other way around anyway?" he grumbled after a long moment. She paused at that before giggling, and he was a bit surprised at feeling the vibration of it.

"I guess," she admitted, smiling a bit guiltily as well and looked down at him. "Sorry, the idea just came to me."

"It's fine," he said and he meant it, smiling back and clasping one of her hands. "I like it." Lenalee made a content sound and hugged him lightly again.

Truth be told, they both felt extremely disquieted at the contact and this higher level of touching. No idea how to respond or judge even if it was right or wrong, the snow and the hut and the desolate nature of everything - even that stupid squirrel - created a confusing bubble from the judgment of the real world. But that's what instinct was for, so they both curled there in front of their sole source of heat and held onto each other as friendship, honor, and desire waged terrible wars in them.

Desire, as it usually does, eventually won.


	6. Desire: part 5

**Warning: **There be non-explicit sex about halfway down. *blank look* I have.. no idea what to call it. It's citrusy but tasteful and sweet. An orange? *ponders this* Well, it would fit these two.

And I'm not including the full lemons in this story since every time I try it just seems to break my general tone and I get quite grumpy. _ But.. for all you happy pervs out there.. they will be completed as oneshots and stuffed in a companion archive. Eventually. XD; And yes, I used the plural in reference to lemons. This isn't the only one, oh no. (though you'll probably have to wait a while)

By the way, to the reviewer with the parrot and the ferret.. I love you. The naming made me laugh. It reminded me of old roommates where we decided to name one of our cats "Inu". (Now that I recall, they had a ferret as well..)

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**Desire - part 5**

_"I can't see the stars anymore living here. Let's go to the hills where the outlines are clear.  
__Bring on the wonder, bring on the song. We got it all wrong.  
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long."_

_  
**"Bring on the Wonder" - Susan Enan  
**_

His necktie.

It started because of his stupid _necktie_.

But there was something so very intimate about that gesture that, as she undid the bow, the chide on his absentmindedness had died on her lips uncharacteristically. The silence was audible as they froze with her hands still resting at his neck, suddenly not able to think clearly at all and very aware of their physical proximity. They had both stared; her at the partially undone tie, him down at the top of her head.

Perhaps she started to look up first, maybe he leaned forward first, but they recognized some gesture in the other that made them surge together on sheer instinct. The kiss felt different, something desperate and quite heady, time moving very quickly as opposed to slowing like it usually did. He brought his hands up to cradle her head and the surprised, pleased sound she made in the back her throat _did_ something to him.

Lenalee ran out of air first and her head snapped back a bit with an audible gasp, like a link had been severed with great force. Eyes wide, her thoughts almost collected but like someone possessed he was trailing small but electric kisses down her exposed neck that made her shiver. She was altogether _warm_ without feeling flush, the sensation pooling in areas she'd never think about. It made her feel weak, and despite her strong legs she found herself sagging back slightly. A firm arm around the small of her back steadied her and she gasped again, feeling pinned by the off-balance feeling and the all-too sweet but frenzied assault on her neck. "A-allen," she managed, dizzy and clutching at his arm. It seemed to snap him out of it.

Hazy, he blinked slowly and lifted his head, wordlessly watching her expression as she took a moment to recover, still slightly bent over his arm. She started to straighten but still seemed wobbly so he continued to help her balance, hands at her hips now. "I didn't think-" Lenalee began, still a little breathless and laughing a bit nervously as her arms leaned against his. "I didn't think people actually got weak in the knees."

Allen had to smile at that, though his thoughts were still racing to the point of not even knowing what they were. He felt like kissing her again, but she moved first and tugged at his now-gaping collar. Impulsive and a bit curious, she leaned in and brushed a light kiss under his jawline.

His posture went rigid and he could feel her smile against his neck before doing it again. Shuddering and torn over letting her keep doing that, nagging thoughts clearing the blur of _feeling_, he cupped her face in his hands and made her look up at him. "Maybe," he said, drawing a shaky breath but making himself smile reassuringly. This was really difficult. "Maybe we should slow down a bit." When she didn't answer right away, just looked at him with a very clear expression, Allen went on hurriedly. "Really, what do you think would happen if we didn't?"

Even the normally unflappable Lenalee had to flush a bit as well at where that thought led and she looked away. "Ah.. I guess," she trailed. They both stood there in a now-somewhat awkward silence, hands at their sides. Barely moving her hand, she tugged lightly at a corner of his gloved right one and gave him a light smile while climbing into bed. "It's alright. We were going to sleep anyway, right?"

He paused, scratching at his cheek a bit with a nervous grin. "Ah, that. I don't think I'm ready for sleep just yet."

"Oh." Lenalee seemed to consider that for a moment, then patted the mattress beside here. "Stay with me for a bit then?" It wasn't like there was anywhere else to _go_.

Allen hesitated but he couldn't really say no, so with a mental sigh he joined her. He laid flat on his back and she smiled, turning on her side and resting her head against his chest, using the arm he wrapped around her as a pillow. When she looped a leg over his he started to protest, but she laughed and pat him on the chest lightly. He did sigh then, but seemed content enough otherwise.

This, they both realized through their own thought chains, was the problem with hormones and passion. It felt too good and struck like lightning. Dangerously so.

Lenalee let her eyes drift shut while listening to his heart beat. When that passion ebbed though, still there but like a distant tingle, it was just altogether so _comfortable_ being around him, especially like this. It always had been; he was just easy to be open with. It was almost like the rest of the world melted away and there were just his arms holding her there, seeming to be saying that everything would be alright. .. It really was quite dangerous, given what their duties were, but the thoughts were infectious. Comfort like this was altogether an illusion, but it felt real nonetheless.

Allen was the world's best security blanket. The idea hit her unbidden with a blink, and Lenalee had to laugh to herself.

She felt his head tilt slightly to look at her but she kept hers down, still in quiet meditation on the distant rhythm of his heart. It felt like she was changing, slowly but surely she felt different, not only in regards to him. The last few days had made her feel _light;_ ridiculously so, mentally and physically. It put her ill at ease even as laying here like this made her feel more relaxed than she could ever remember. Who was she really if this was how she felt around Allen?

And they were dying.

Despite the cocoon she was in, Lenalee sobered. She didn't think about it much, she _couldn't_ think about it, but beyond their duties he was doomed to a short life from his parasitic weapon and she herself didn't know what her new crystallized Innocence meant. Even so, ever since a young girl taken in by the Order she could never picture herself old or even a full adult. _Die young, leave a pretty corpse_, isn't that what some exorcist had tried to joke to her about? Yet it seemed so true. That day she heard that it had struck a chord in her, despite the intent of humor, and with that and her brother's appearance she could start smiling and enjoying the days she had left. Komui would hate her for that, she knew, but as long as it kept her going…

Allen seemed surprised when she sat up quietly, staring distantly into her lap. She could hear him asking her what was wrong, but his voice seemed distant in her ears, an echo from where she currently was. What was she doing, really?, Lenalee wondered to herself. A sad smile trickled on her face. She felt rather cheap, indulging like this, but at the same time it was like she couldn't help herself. She _needed_ someone to lean on when it was tough in her own mind, the one place she couldn't escape. She couldn't do that to Komui because it seemed like he would fracture if he thought she were in pain. She loved Allen dearly, that much wasn't in question at all. But…

Her – no, _their_ dreams. The attack of the level four. Her home, broken and limp. The black moon. Allen, dead… It all felt so quick, like everything could be destroyed at any moment. They were all so important to her yet all she could do was fight to protect them. But.. what else? She had never really thought about that before, but what _else_ might there be to her life now? Could there even be?

Coming out of her reverie, she became aware of Allen sitting up next to her, his voice concerned and a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at him, blinking with sudden clarity. "Why is it wrong?"

He stared at her for a moment, surprised at her sudden sanity and out-of-the-blue question. "Eh?"

Lenalee continued to look at him with a perfectly matter-of-fact expression. "Earlier, when you stopped me. Why is it wrong?"

He _really_ stared now. "Because..! Well, why wouldn't it be?!" What was it with Lenalee and asking 'why'?

She had seen him in a fit before many a time and he seemed close to one now. Lenalee would have laughed if the situation were different. "We're teenagers! You said yourself the Order doesn't allow things like that! You-"

She leaned in and kissed him, not passionately but not tentatively either. It succeeded in silencing him, though he still stared at her with wide, somewhat twitching eyes like he had never seen her before. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. She drew back with a smile – a sad, heartrending, but sweet smile. "Saa.. What does that matter anyway? Age means nothing for what they make us do, and I've already told you I don't care what they allow… Why is it wrong?" We only have so long to live, she wanted to add, but kept such dismal thoughts to herself. They had both already almost died and she felt they could again at any time, so.. why not?

Though they still sat mostly shoulder to shoulder he buried his face between her neck and her shoulder. "I don't think you should say things like that," Allen said, sounding a bit dizzy but adamant.

She looked even sadder at that, though she still felt a strange, twisting kind of lightness in her heart at being able to talk about this. "Why is that?"

"_Lenalee,"_ Allen said, quite fiercely, and grabbed her a bit roughly by the shoulders to make her look at him as he drew back. "_Please_. Do you know what you're talking about?"

Everything felt very clear to her at that moment. "Completely," she whispered, and brought a hand up to touch his scarred cheek.

He stared.

He lost it.

It was dangerous to touch her when she said things like that. A part of his mind was telling him how much he would regret it, how bad a decision it was, but she was _there_, she accepted it seemed _every_ part of him, and he couldn't think of any argument she hadn't already refuted that didn't involve "probably". He had kissed her again, quickly, desperately, because after her pained whisper he could think anything further. Shock hit him like a physical blow when her tongue flicked delicately against his lips, but he instinctively deepened the kiss. Time was was moving incredibly fast again as his hands tangled in her short hair and hers fumbled at the buttons on his vest.

She worked it off surprisingly quickly and he had to break the kiss to shrug it off. Their eyes met in a sudden fashion after that, enough to make them both pause and realize their situation.

He stared at her for a long moment. "I don't really know what I'm doing," he admitted a bit blankly, not tearing his eyes from her for a moment.

Lenalee was able to laugh now, touching his cheeks with both hands fondly. "Neither do I."

He smiled at that and leaned forward.

_._

_._

_._

_.  
_

It was awkward.

But it was awkward in a _strangely_ good way.

When either of them would remember it later it was about things they wouldn't have thought would stick in their minds. Flashes of images, sounds, feelings; a staccato of memories. The way the bones in their hands stood out from how tightly they were clasped. The way his breath hitched. How her hips arched up, thighs pressed tightly against him. When he bit his lip at the strain. Quiet, strangled sounds of pleasure and desperation.

When he thought he could bear it no more he had forced his eyes open to look down at her and, seeming to sense that, she opened hers as well and just _smiled_ at him with a hooded expression he had never seen before. That look broke something in him and he let himself go with a muffled gasp against her neck as she just _held_ him as he collapsed bonelessly against her.

They had stayed together like that for a long time in silence, enjoying the strange intimacy of it. The only sound they could hear was their own heavy breathing as it slowed to normal, but it was oddly comforting. Idly, he brought the hand he had clasped with his right up to his lips and grazed a faint kiss across it. Her light, appreciate laugh at the gesture sent a vibration through both their bodies that had him blinking at the sheer _strangeness_ of the feeling, though it wasn't unpleasant by any means. Her leg spasmed lightly, like a nervous tic, seeming to surprise both of them, but Lenalee shrugged mildly with a bit of a guilty look.

Later, once they had re-situated with oddly few words, he stared at the wall as she seemed to sleep while tucked against his collarbone again. Really, all he could do for a long time was just stare, blinking slowly at the old wooden paneling as his thoughts slowly came back to reality from the warm place they had been. All of this.. it was rather like a free-fall. Everything was happening quickly he had no idea how to respond except on instinct which told him this was _right. _But something else in him just kept nagging it was wrong, though it was nothing he could name or consciously argue.

He had slept with Lenalee Lee. The lightheaded feeling threatened to drown him. He felt so very _good_ but ill at the same time - just like that feeling of falling without an end in sight. Actually, it was like he couldn't recognize himself even. Things like this weren't even remotely in his self-definition. But here he was, here _they_ were, so what did that mean in terms of the kind of person he was?

It was like they just couldn't stop stumbling forward.

Allen turned his head to rest against the crown of hers rather guiltily. Hearing the small sound she made at the gesture and how she leaned into the contact further, he tightened his arms around her and closed his eyes. Idly, Allen fiddled with the loose ends of her hair while he stared at nothing in particular.

He was losing himself again, a disturbing thought prodded. He kept losing himself in the people around him. It was wrong. It was…

He flinched mentally and crushed that thought brutally. It also felt wrong to think about that with her curled against him like she was.

The idea of 'home' for both of them had just been turned on its head without either of them realizing it. But the one thing they did know, nestled together like that, is that it was the most warm, close feeling either had ever experienced, even if at the same time they found that quite terrifying.

But they let themselves drift off to sleep together anyway.

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The ceiling exploded.

No, it really _did_.

Allen and Lenalee both sat bolt upright as splintered wood, sunlight, and a ridiculous amount of snow fell into the room. In the moment of pause as their hearts stopped at the shock a figure dropped in at the base of the bed. It rose with shocking fluidity and speed before turning to look at them. Allen's heart stopped again.

Kanda stared.

Allen stared.

Lenalee just sensed impending slaughter.

His brain seemed hijacked, but Allen had enough presence of mind to mechanically pull the covers up in front of Lenalee's chest even as he seemed unable to break the shocked stare. A part of him realized he had never really seen the older boy so utterly dumbfounded before. "G…good morning…?" he managed finally, weakly.

Allen saw it coming for the most part and leapt off the bed as Kanda seemed to snap and mugen cut the bed in two where he had previously been. Grabbing Lenalee under one arm unceremoniously and a pile of clothes he hoped contained hers, he bolted to the door while _feeling_ how close Kanda's next swing came. Lenalee, a bit disoriented, started to say his name in protest but had no time as Allen chucked her out into the main room with a guilty "sorry!".

Slamming the door shut, his instinct was barely on time and Allen ducked as the faint _zing_ of mugen whistled above his head. His head which suddenly felt strangely lighter.

For a moment he stared at at the remains of his long hair that was on the ground.

"You're swinging seriously?!" he shouted as he moved out of range again, suddenly short-haired again and not really surprised but furious over Kanda's lack of, well, decorum. "Don't you ever use a door, anyway?!" Kanda only scowled though and tensed as if to strike again.

He did, but Allen stared in surprise as a short, jagged blade blocked the swing. Sparks flew from the force of the impact and the figure in front of him now shook slightly at holding its ground. "Link!"

Ignoring him, Link stared matter-of-factly at a very cold, angry-looking Kanda. "I'll thank you not to kill my charge," he said smoothly, still holding off the very intent blade with his own. They locked stares for a moment while Allen still reeled at their sudden, unexpected appearances.

Finally, Kanda seemed to relax slightly and backed off with an exasperated sound, sheathing mugen. He didn't say anything, but the _stare_ he gave Allen sent a chill down his spine.

Link was retracting his blade when he glanced behind him at Allen, only to stop suddenly. An eye twitched in irritation, and the blonde turned his back to him again. "Walker. For all that is holy, please put pants on."

Shit.

Allen attempted to sort through the disaster that was now the room to find said clothing, but it was surreal, like someone else was directing his body. The shell-shock was too much. Images of Komui ripping his body apart flickered through his head like sniggering wraiths. How could they keep quiet about it now? Ah, he thought, feeling a bit brighter as he pulled his pants on. Link hadn't seen Lenalee yet. Maybe he could still finesse this.

As if on cue she walked in, fully clad in her borrowed uniform now, but if he didn't think the silence in the room could get any more awkward he was sorely mistaken. She refused to look at him and waves of _displeasure_ rolled off her, though she greeted Link and Kanda with forced pleasantness. He suddenly felt guilty, remembering how unceremoniously he had tried to protect her and her state of undress.

As Link watched the three with almost morbid curiosity he had to wonder if these people really _were_ always this strange. It was like watching characters in a story except it was real life. He narrowed his eyes slightly in thought when Lenalee came in. A shrewd expression on his face, he looked between her and the guilty-faced Allen, considered Kanda's earlier outburst, his ward's nakedness in weather like this…

Allen could practically _hear_ the wheels of thought turning in the inspector's head and it made him feel ill all over again. Of course, he should have figured someone like Link would put together enough to be suspect.

"I'm just… going to go get the rest of my clothes," Allen said, trying to smile but looking all the more nervous for it. Really, he wanted to get away from the oppressive weight and Link's now quite beady stare.

He eventually collected the rest of his outfit and lent coat; including, with a soft expression, his necktie. Animated chattering in the bedroom drew his attention so he shouldered both his and Lenalee's packs. He felt oddly hesitant as he threw some snow on the stove fire to extinguish it, like he was rubbing out something important.

When Allen reentered the room, still with a bit of apprehension, he saw that the two finders they had been traveling with were there now, having climbed down into the room through the gaping hole in the ceiling.

"Ah, Mr. Walker!" one of them said in relief. "I'm sorry, we meant to find the door…"

Allen glanced to the side so they couldn't see the twitching on his face. "Ah, that's fine. I understand, what with the impulsive girlyman here.."

Kanda didn't unsheathe his mugen, but he snapped around and _dug_ the sheath of his sword against Allen's leg. "If that bastard Komui hadn't personally ordered I find you two…"

"Then you'd still be stuck there cleaning out weird chemicals that make you even more of a brat," Allen said in a delighted tone and forced smile. Kanda glowered.

Link coughed to get their attention. "Ms. Lee has informed me of your success in recovering the fragment of Innocence. We're off-track enough, so we had best head back to New York with haste."

Allen and Lenalee both nodded at that, the atmosphere of the past few days quickly evaporating. As they gathered their materials the two of them exchanged glances, both feeling the need to discuss the dilemma they were facing now but unable to with the others around. Lenalee smiled reassuringly at him though, and he had to smile back with a bit of relief. They'd figure something out - that much was certain.

"... the fuck?"

Kanda said it so quietly but blankly it made them turn and look. Allen stared with wide eyes for a moment before he burst out in mocking laughter.

The other boy was attempting to stare with a blank deadpan at what he felt on top of his head. Its tail was swishing about madly in agitation.

Still laughing, Allen rescued the squirrel before it met a very grisly death.

Looking at them like they were all losing their minds, Link repeated that they should start the journey back. After considering how buried the door was, they elected to go out instead through Kanda's surprisingly convenient hole in the ceiling. The long-haired exorcist seemed to brood quietly as the rest of them strapped on snowshoes, flatly refusing to do so himself.

Allen, looking rather uncomfortable in the awkward things, was surprised when a hand on his shoulder stopped him as they started to make their way across the white landscape. When he turned his surprise went to agitation quickly at seeing it was Kanda. The fact that the other boy had actually touched him should have been warning enough. "What do you want-" he started to snap, but Kanda interrupted him and leaned down very close.

"If you do anything stupid," he began in a low, deadly serious tone while tightening the grip he had on Allen's shoulder brutally. "Don't think for a second I won't cut off more than your hair next time."

Allen stared, for once frozen and unable to even think of a reply.

"Will you two please hurry?" Link called in a bit of agitation, further ahead with the rest of the party. Lenalee waved to them, unaware of the dark atmosphere around the two from the distance.

Kanda let him go and strode to join them, reaching into his coat in the process and tossing a very disoriented-looking Timcanpy over his shoulder in Allen's general direction. Though still shaking some of the daze off, realizing that despite their normal bickering Kanda _meant_ his threat quite seriously this time, Allen walked towards them as well, albeit a bit wobbly. His golem bobbled after him, similarly off-balance.

Lenalee's "family", so to speak, would prove to be rather intimidating indeed.

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I didn't even realize it as I was writing the scene, but it seems Kanda and Allen's ongoing sniping about cutting the other's hair off finally got a conclusion. *snerk*


	7. Trepidation: part 1

**Warnings:** Um.. Johnny! And length.

This is a long chapter compared to my usual. Now pay homage and bring me cheap, twist-top bottle champagne.

I had a realization during this, too, that... where was Link in the beginning of chap 165? He wasn't on the boat with Allen, Lenalee, Johnny, and Komui... at least not in sight.

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**Trepidation: Part 1**

_"All around me are familiar faces, worn out places. Bright and early for their daily races, going nowhere  
Hello, teacher. Tell me, what's my lesson?  
I find it hard to take. When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world."_

_**"Mad World" - Gary Jules**  
_

The ease at which one could pass between continents took some getting used to, even for Allen Walker who by all means should have been more used to it than anyone else. He, Lenalee, and Link stepped from New York, to the Ark, to Europe in a matter of minutes; Kanda had long since outpaced them during the journey back to NYC branch to return after completing Komui's frenzied rescue request.

When they did arrive back at the old headquarters, the two young exorcists blinked at the sheer amount of boxes that were slowly stacking towards the very-tall ceiling. A particularly tall stack of boxes floating over a pair of legs called out to them.

"Lenalee, Allen! Welcome back." The box-man turned into Johnny as he put the large stack down. "You're just in time. We were hoping to head out for the new London headquarters in a few days."

"Good to hear," Allen called back with some cheer, though he didn't feel any. He really wasn't looking forward to the other end of this move which he was sure would be just as chaotic as the packing side of it. He gave Johnny a a bit of an odd look when the small scientist stared pointedly at him, adjusting his coke-bottle glasses.

"Your hair is short again," Johnny said, pointing.

He didn't miss his long hair, but remembering how he had lost it made Allen flinch. "I guess so. Didn't you guys say it would eventually wear off, anyway?" he pointed out, trying to be nonchalant. "Besides, I like it better this way." Johnny blinked at him still, but seemed to accept that.

Lenalee was smiling at them, knowing the full story behind it and choosing to find some humor in it, when a sound seemed to catch her attention and she looked up. A few seconds later another stack of boxes shuffled and Reever appeared, seeming to hear it now as well. "Ah, it's the Supervisor," he said, sounding somewhere between bored and agonized.

Allen managed to dodge the blur that was Komui at the last second, though Lenalee either wasn't as lucky or just used to being glomped by her brother. He was cheering her name in a tortured sing-song and hugging her probably a bit too hard, though she managed a distracted smile while making reassuring gestures.

"Lenalee~, I thought you might have frozen to death! Never again, never again," Komui said, practically snugging her.

"Brother, I'm fine," she said, a bit embarrassed at the scene he was making. "It was just a snowstorm."

Not just any snowstorm, Allen thought while scratching his head a bit in exasperation, but that seemed to remind Johnny of something. "Oh, right. Lenalee, can I borrow your golem for a moment?"

Though her brother still sobbed and hugged her to his chest, she motioned the bat-like golem over so Johnny could catch it. He carried it over to a counsel against the wall and hooked it up with a cable. "That region is known for its snow but you guys managed to catch one of the biggest for a while. This will make great data for our research!"

Allen nodded, still rubbing absently at the base of his neck as if feeling a ghostlike weight. His eyes widened suddenly as something occurred to him. The way Lenalee suddenly went very still as opposed to extracting herself from Komui signaled she was having a similar train of thought.

"Johnny," she called out with a very fake smile, seeing Allen petrified, and finding the strength to neatly sidestep Komui even as it made him overbalance and crash. "What do you need from the golem?"

"Just downloading the video and sound feed," Johnny answered a bit distractedly. Even Lenalee's eyes widened just a bit at that, but the scientist unhooked her golem and tossed it back at her. "All done! Thanks."

Lenalee automatically cupped her hands for the little black thing to hover over, but she continued to stare at Johnny for a moment before she dared look over at Allen. He turned to look at her at the same time and they exchanged distinctly blank expressions as they wondered where exactly her golem had been the whole time. Allen at least was used to censoring Timcanpy and his visual feeds, but Lenalee and her golem...

"Johnny," Allen said, sounding a bit more nervous than he would like. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Komui had righted himself by this point and cleared his head, so his sudden cough got both their attentions. "We're nearly done with packing, so if the two of you would try to relax and ready yourselves for departing for in the next few days that would be best."

Allen was _quite_ convinced who he needed to talk to at the moment, but even as he tried to argue Komui seemed to loom in front of him in a way that made his glasses glint. "Allen, that means you, too. I can't have you bothering the rest of the science team at the moment." Komui smiled a bit, though, sympathetic. "I know you hate sitting still, but please listen."

He blinked up at the tall man for a moment, remembering why Komui was one of the few people who could actually intimidate him, but Allen couldn't think of a single argument that wouldn't set the overprotective sibling off like a bloodhound. "Right," he answered rather automatically, staring at the blinding glasses because that was all it seemed he could do. Sometimes, after that rather terrifying 'competition'/party their OCD supervisor had put them through, he caught Komui just _staring_ at him. He could feel that now and, golem-feed or not, he had to beat a bit of a hasty retreat even while every cell in his body that wanted to live screamed he needed to talk with Johnny.

Just out of sight on the other side of the doorway, Lenalee was waiting for him with a bit of a worried expression. She didn't want to see her brother go off any kind of deep end, really. "Allen," she began, looking a bit concerned, mostly for his sake.

"It's... alright," he said, forcing a reassuring grin. They had managed to catch a few seconds to talk here and there on their trip back to New York City which had helped solidify things. "I'll try to talk to Johnny later in case anything is a problem." Despite himself, Allen's eyes glazed a bit at the thought of trying to 'explain' things if Johnny or the others actually watched anything Lenalee's golem may have recorded. It was the unpleasant kind of glazing, too.

She smiled a bit at that, genuinely, and he returned it as he tried to feel a bit more relieved. They kept mostly at distance but let their hands brush together gently as they walked down the familiar corridor.

"I think I'd like to go to the cafeteria," Allen admitted with a bit of a heavy sigh.

Lenalee couldn't help but laugh. "When don't you?"

Allen shot her a _look_, even if he did feel a bit self-conscious. "Can you blame me after this last week?"

She did squeeze his hand now with an honestly amused grin on her face. "I guess not." It made him mentally pause and blink for a moment, the genuine quality there on her face.

Allen stared at her a moment longer than he should, especially given their still-clasped hands and Komui not far off. Just how often did Lenalee truly open up, anyway?

He found himself unable to find a satisfying answer, and it suddenly made him feel a bit sad. He squeezed her hand as well, feeling on some instinctive level that he should comfort her.

Neither seemed to notice or care about the ever-there shadow of Link, though the inspector kept an even more discreet distance now.

People who watch others usually do.

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After they had dropped their packs off in their rooms and gotten a clean change of clothes, realizing perhaps for the first time just how physically far apart they were, they both went to the cafeteria as it was around lunchtime and Allen would go regardless. Lenalee, without anything else pressing to do, felt the compulsion to follow more than the need for sustenance.

Even so, she couldn't help but stare as she actually _listened _to Allen rattle off to Jerry his order. It made her chuckle even as she brought a hand delicately to her mouth to cover the mirth. Jerry seemed disappointed when she ordered, but she shrugged helplessly in response. Who was she to compete with an order like Allen's?

When it was prepared, she followed the mountain of dishes to find Allen sitting with Lavi, oddly no Link in sight. She sat on the other side of the bench from them. Allen and Lavi seemed to have become engrossed in conversation while she had waited on her order, though it seemed to mostly be Lavi recounting the various hexes the science department move had wrecked on Order members.

"Ah, that's right," Lavi said, blinking. "What happened to finally make your hair go back to normal?"

Allen seemed to pale and grabbed a bread roll for distraction. He was getting really tired of people commenting about his hair. "It went away finally. They did say it eventually would."

Smelling blood in the water, Lavi grinned and tugged at the short ends of Allen's hair in a way that made the other boy twitch a bit. "Oooh? Then why aren't you bald? I didn't think even the scientists could selectively cut off hair."

A bit agitated, Allen smacked his hand away without any real malice. "I'm not allowed to cut it back to normal?"

Lenalee couldn't help but watch with fascination, idly arranging the ginger on her sushi with chopsticks. She didn't feel Lavi would figure anything damning out, and.. well, her thoughts didn't go that far. But if anyone else were to actually know, she would be okay with Lavi being one. In the meantime, the two of them were just _amusing_ to watch.

"Sure ya are," Lavi drawled, twirling up his pasta together for a large gulp. "But it looks more like someone hacked at it with a blade."

"..." Allen just stared at the other boy out of the corner of his eye as he gnawed on his own sandwich, deciding to take the 'upper' road and pretend Lavi and his jibes weren't there.

"I did it," Lenalee interjected, trying to sound cheerful even as she lied. When Lavi gave her a bit of a surprised look she shrugged her shoulders, able to answer honestly. "I do my brother's and Kanda's. It's no big deal."

"YU?" Lavi was practically crowing until he choked on his food and had to grab at his throat. He seemed in agony for a moment and Lenalee rose up, ready to help, but Allen just regarded the him with a bored look as he knew full-well that Lavi would be fine. "You... do Yu's hair.." Lavi gasped, gripping the table now quite tightly in glee. "Man, I never would have guessed that." Lenalee gave an awkward grin, but the mental images Lavi was getting made him snicker. "Maybe he _is_ gay."

Lenalee frowned a bit at that, but Allen _smirked_. Quietly. To himself. But he did.

Lavi was refreshingly normal for Allen and Lenalee and the older boy was more than happy to take center stage and entertain them. When he let his side of the conversation lull and the other two talked in the gap, something tickled at the edge of his perception. Something was _different_.

He found himself watching Lenalee's eyes as she chatted with Allen over perfectly normal topics, and Lavi blinked for a moment.

Oho. Now that was interesting.

Lenalee left the table first, having finished her small portions and claiming to need to brew coffee for her brother. Allen was a bit lost in thought when he felt Lavi nudge him in the side.

"So, seriously. Man to man. What happened with you two?"

One of Allen's eyes twitched at the unexpected question, taken off-guard by Lavi's uncanny guess or jibe. He wasn't quite sure which it was. On reflex, Allen elbowed him none too gently. "Please shut up about things you know nothing about," he grumbled halfheartedly.

Even though he clutched a bit painfully at the spot where Allen had hit him, Lavi eyed him. "Y'know, usually when two people of the opposite sex get locked up in a small space for a long period of time, stuff tends to happen." Allen would swear the look Lavi had now bordered on a _leer_. He wondered for a moment how Lavi knew how they were stranded, then remembered the distraught Komui. Everyone within shouting distance in the castle probably knew.

He found himself flushing despite himself, remembering things that were far too inappropriate to recall at a dinner table. "That only happens when someone is a pervert like you," Allen tried to complain, picking up his dishes and leaving Lavi alone and scrambling to follow.

"And you haven't looked at our loving Lenalee like that before?" Lavi, un-discouraged, cheered in his ear in a way that left no doubt Lavi knew he had. Allen felt a bit ill, just _knowing_ that Komui or a lackey or robot of his would be lurking around the corner.

"If you don't keep your voice down we'll end up bloody and dismembered," Allen noted a bit wearily.

Lavi seemed to consider this. "Probably," he said, shrugging and letting the topic go for now. Sometimes he couldn't help himself; Allen just _reacted _so well to his jibes it made teasing him ridiculously fun. He was rather like Kanda in that regard, except a bit safer to harass.

But Lavi didn't think he had misread them just now, either. It was part of what he did and he was _good_ at it.

As they were leaving, Reever and Johnny walked in. Allen brightened for a second, though to his surprise Reever seemed to as well. "Oh, good. Allen, I don't suppose we could borrow Timcanpy later?"

Allen blinked as the golem buzzed around his head in recognition. Figuring it didn't have anything to do with him, Lavi waved a goodbye in the form of a mock-salute and left Allen with the scientists. "Of course. What do you need Tim for?" Wait, did that mean-

Reever was rubbing his forehead in agitation. "The feed from Lenalee's golem was corrupt. I guess the new models still have issues with the Ark. I know Tim wasn't there for a lot of the weather, but it'd be better than nothing." Having gotten his answer, Reever gave his thanks and trudged towards Jerry's window, muttering a bit to himself at unreliable technology. Allen could only stare after him for a moment, suddenly feeling _extremely_ lucky for once in his life.

He turned back and found himself almost face-to-face with Johnny. Allen blinked a bit in surprise, seeing the mousy man fidgeting like he didn't know what to say or do with himself. The quick, furtive glances to the side weren't within his usual realm of eccentricities. "Johnny?"

Without warning Johnny snapped upright and, grinning _hugely_, flashed a thumbs-up in Allen's face.

Allen blinked.

They stood there like that for a moment as Allen continued to stare in a sort of frozen trepidation while Johnny twitched with the nervous energy to either start giggling or slap Allen on the back. He was too awkward to do that, though, or he managed to compose himself enough to just keep grinning and thumbs-upping like mad.

Fear slowly began to settle in Allen and he reconsidered his earlier good luck. "Um," he said, struggling to keep an airy look on his face. "What are you doing?"

Seeming to realize himself, Johnny leaned in and whispered quite loudly in his ear. "Don't worry, I destroyed the data when I saw what it was! I just can't believe..! Well, wow!" He was beaming quite like a schoolgirl.

Allen went very still. He was vaguely aware of the perched Timcanpy smacking him in the back of the head with his tail, but he was still trying to process what had happened. Johnny.. had actually seen.. _How_ had he already managed to see?!

He didn't know if he should feel embarrassed or ill. Or both.

In the silence, Johnny clasped his right hand with both of his and shook it hard in a congratulatory gesture. "I'll talk with you later!" he said happily and half-jogged to the cafeteria line, looking over his shoulder to wink far too obviously at Allen, not that anyone could really see through the thick glasses, but the way he did it seemed to make his whole body wink.

Allen just stood there, his right hand still out in an empty handshake. It twitched a bit, though a moment later he felt more sober even as he watched Johnny chatter animatedly with Jerry. Despite the fact he believed Johnny would at least mean to be discreet, he could feel everything aligning for a massive blowout.

He paused at that, a distant expression on his face as he felt something like a knot of shame in his stomach. Why was he thinking about this so much? Why was everyone _else_, for that matter?

Sighing heavily and feeling again like he didn't recognize himself, Allen left while he could.

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Coffee was far more than just a beverage.

Komui had taught her that, though without intending to. It had started soon after he had joined the Order. As a deadened little girl she had watched as he painstakingly set the first brew of the day; the content look on his face as he took the first sip. ... Later, of course, only to gag and curse when he quickly became too busy to make his own and had to rely on whatever the rest of the team made.

The day she broke her silent vigil and made him her own, inexperienced brew he had cried real tears of joy and hugged her like he would never let go.

She never stopped making him coffee after that, even if she never drank it herself.

"Here you go," she said pleasantly, handing Komui his cup; black, steaming. He seemed relieved as he looked up from his surprisingly clean desk - his mountain of paperwork long since packed into boxes - and took a long sip, not minding the heat.

"Perfect!" He beamed in thanks and she looked amused at his melodramatic gestures. Still, he seemed to struggle for a moment with that persona, as if darker thoughts kept distracting him. Lenalee paused, watching Komui with a worried expression.

"This move is hard on you, isn't it, brother," she murmured with a sober empathy. Komui glanced at her from the corner of his eye, reflecting for not the first time on her uncanny insight and the sibling bond. He smiled softly, letting himself relax a bit.

"Somewhat," he admitted, motioning for her to take a seat. "There are a lot of details to coordinate."

Lenalee continued to look at him for a moment, obviously not quite convinced. "You've been talking at length with Leverrier and Central, too," she pointed out and he seemed a bit surprised that she had even dared to speak that name. She didn't need someone to tell her that; she could tell from how weary and serious Komui had been since that man had come for Allen and Cross. She could barely recognize her brother since then, the insane personality that had once been comical and part of his bipolar charm felt more and more like a mask he now struggled to wear to keep her grounded. To keep _himself _grounded.

"Now now," Komui said, seeming to brighten in an altogether fake way and waving a hand dismissively. "There's nothing to do about with Central at the moment. Allen's surveillance seems to be going flawlessly. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

Lenalee smiled faintly at his efforts, though she wasn't convinced. A thought came to her, and Komui became guarded when he saw the very serious, if anxious, expression she got. If there was one person she could trust, it was her brother, right? "Ne, brother," she began, choosing her words very carefully. "Has there ever been a case of Innocence reacting to other Innocence?"

"No," he said without hesitation and put his coffee down somewhat abruptly, a sharp look on his face. "Not with other Innocence.. only dark matter has shown signs of reacting to the Innocence." Komui grimaced, knowing all-too keenly those experiments. He regarded Lenalee shrewdly, some dread gnawing at him. "Why do you ask such a thing?" She look askance, troubled, and Komui wasn't brilliant for nothing. "Lenalee," he began with a surprisingly gentle tone. "Is there something you want to tell me about Allen?"

Lenalee jerked slightly at the direct question, a slight but telling move. She smiled quietly, knowingly, though. "There's so much that neither of you will tell me it seems." After a long pause, she continued. "There's a lot I know about Allen, but I think perhaps much more that I don't. Sometimes it makes me worry."

"I don't think he knows that much about himself either," Komui said neutrally, perhaps a bit sadly. "I'd keep that in mind." Something twisted in him painfully though, and Komui fought back a grimace. Looking at her hurt. Thinking about what his sister meant or had experienced with Allen Walker to make her ask what she had troubled him, made him feel sick. Was there really a darker side of Allen and the Musician that was starting to show itself?

He could only pray Central's watchdog, Link, had not noticed anything of the sort.

Seeing that she only looked more troubled now, Komui felt guilty and leaned across the desk to touch a hand against the crown of her head lightly. When she looked up in surprise at the parental gesture he smiled and pat her hair gently. "Don't grow up too fast, Lenalee," he said quietly. "All we can do is have faith in ourselves and each other, but try to have some fun as well."

Traces of tears pricked at her eyes inexplicably at the comfort and acceptance, but Lenalee found herself unable to keep from smiling even as her hands gripped tightly at her knees. All that mattered was the comforting hand patting her hair reassuringly. "Yes, brother."

Between grotesque dreams, the destruction of her home, confusion over Allen, his hidden, darker side and the world-shaking grip he seemed to have over her heart she found herself more confused than she would have liked. But, though she may have found herself slipping in her convictions and her ability to cope from time to time, she still had Komui and Allen; two forces that always managed to ground her and remind her of how far she had come - and how far she had yet to go.

Her smile grew and she covered her brother's hand with her own and gently pulled him from the gesture intended for a child, before looking up at him with a more resolved, content expression.

"I'll try," she answered.

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Much later, Allen found himself sitting on the edge of a walkway over the destroyed lab number five. His slowly-growing lankly legs dangled over the side as he stared down into the gaping pit. He felt a bit clearer-headed like this; reminded of the terror and reality of the world. He had never really considered himself an introspective person, not that he thought about himself enough even to consider that question. Still, he found himself getting tangled in his thoughts more than he would like. It had been like that ever since encountering the Musician in the ark, worse since Lenalee.

He didn't like how confused it all made him.

A delicate, feathered wing flicked against his cheek in a comforting gesture from Timcanpy's perch on top of his head. Kicking idly at the air, Allen barely noticed the scuffling of footsteps behind him. He looked up when he heard his name called though, and turning around he was a bit surprised to see Johnny there. He blinked, but raised a hand somewhat awkwardly in greeting. "Ah, hello, Johnny."

The scientist looked more abashed now than he had in the cafeteria earlier, but he walked up to Allen and hovered for a moment before sitting next to him. Allen watched him for a moment, then stared out again into the desolace a bit moodily, not really knowing how to interact with Johnny anymore, given the circumstances.

"Um, you know," Johnny began, letting his legs dangle over the edge as well, though he kicked them with nervous energy. "I didn't mean to intrude or anything, you know." He seemed quite embarrassed, probably remembering his earlier outburst and noting Allen's near-sulking. "It's just that the system automatically parses golem data and flags it and, well, obviously.."

Though that knowledge gave him a bit of relief, Allen rubbed harshly at his forehead as if hoping to drub the thoughts out of his head. "Does everyone have to make such a big deal out of it?" he snapped a bit testily, his saint-like patience and manners being worn thin, and looked directly now at Johnny. The scientist blinked at him in a bit of surprise, but Allen went on. "I mean, you know, Lavi and Link suspect, Komui always suspects, _everyone_ seems to get stuck thinking those kinds of things in general with Lenalee.. why does everyone get so obsessed with it?!" Why was _he_ so obsessed with it nagged at his thoughts more specifically, but he didn't say that.

Johnny stared at him and suddenly their age gap seemed a bit more obvious. He smiled sympathetically and in sudden understanding. "I think," he began, staring off into the distance and away from Allen's piercing, troubled look. "It's because most of us never get to see stuff like romance, or pretty girls like Lenalee. It's like... everything is so dark and miserable in this world, people like you and her blind us." Johnny laughed, but he sounded strangely wise, enough to make Allen stop and blink. "It's comforting to watch you guys, I guess. It gives us a bit of hope in normalcy."

Seeing Allen was still staring at him as if the thought were first dawning on him, Johnny shrugged a bit. "Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable," he said with a strained grin, rubbing at his barely-tamed hair.

"It's fine," Allen answered automatically, blinking still for a moment before looking out over the room again with a sad smile on his face. "I don't know what to make of it, myself," he admitted, feeling a bit odd about opening up to Johnny but finding himself drawn by the need to confess to someone.

"You better!" Johnny said emphatically and in some surprise. "The Supervisor will kill you otherwise!"

Allen flinched. "I'm pretty sure he would anyway," he said with a grimace.

Johnny laughed at that and resisted the urge to pat Allen on the back, feeling they weren't quite there on a friendship level yet. He fiddled with his pocket-protector instead. Still, it brought up an interesting question, and he looked back at the boy, noting with surprise how very small and slight he seemed, despite the old expression he often carried now. "Are you going to tell Supervisor Komui?"

"I don't think so," Allen said, serious now. "At least.. not for now." He looked at Johnny, a torn expression creeping in on his face. "It's true that this sort of thing isn't accepted by the Order, isn't it?"

Johnny frowned and wished he could answer in a more positive way. "There aren't really written rules, but... no, I've never heard of such a thing," he admitted, hanging his head a bit as he felt the pain he knew Allen must have. Seeing Allen's expression sober, he jerked up suddenly and waved his hands agitatedly in emphasis. "But that doesn't mean it can't happen!"

When the quiet, somewhat guilty look didn't abate, Johnny frowned hard. Grabbing Allen by the shoulders resolutely, he stared point-blank at the exorcist. "You_ absolutely_ cannot give up someone like Lenalee because of something as stupid as rules! That's not like you!"

"Johnny," Allen said, blinking at his own reflection in those giant glasses and at a loss for any further words.

A slight cough caught their attention, and Allen expected from that sterotypical sound to find Link as he turned around, but he was surprised to see Lenalee standing behind them with an odd smile on her face. Timcanpy was suddenly up and fluttering around her, and she held out out a finger for him to perch over as she smiled quietly at Johnny. "Do you mind if I borrow Allen for a bit, Johnny?"

All at once scrambling energetically and awkwardly to his feet, Johnny nodded. "Of course! Don't mind me!" He waved a goodbye to Allen and nodded to Lenalee, smiling brightly all the while at the growing connection he felt with the two.

Feeling an odd mix of comfort and trepidation, Allen watched as Lenalee sat next to him. "I'm not really surprised to find you here," she said, regarding him with a gentle expression.

Though catching her gaze for a moment, he glanced out again and nodded. "It helps clear my head a bit to see this."

She seemed to consider that as she idly twirled her finger over Timcanpy who perched in her lap, and he tried to follow and smack her finger with the fluff of his tail. Allen looked down at his golem for a long moment before leaning over and flicking his index finger against the shiny ball in a miniature punt. "Tim, go take a nap for a bit, will you?" he said a bit brusquely, but not without a familiar tone like one would take with a pet.

Seeming a bit hurt, Timcanpy recoiled for a moment before winging out of the room and presumably to Allen's. His master watched him go for a moment before letting out a sigh and turning back. Lenalee laughed softly. "You're really aware of what Tim sees, aren't you?"

Allen started to nod, then froze when he remembered Tim has been there during his discussion with Johnny. ... Shit. He rubbed his face in agitation, mentally kicking himself and making a note to convince Timcanpy to erase those memories. "Sometimes not aware enough," he admitted with a sigh. She patted him on the back in sympathy.

"So, you managed to talk to Johnny?" Lenalee asked, though despite her calm she did feel a bit off at the potentially very awkward situation.

"You could say that," Allen said with a forced, very strained grin. He couldn't bring himself to tell Lenalee Johnny had actually watched; she'd be mortified. "He deleted the data, so I guess I'll live a bit longer," he said in an effort to find humor in the situation. She did have to chuckle at that, though there was definite relief on her face.

Lenalee glanced around suddenly, seeming surprised. "The inspector still isn't following you?"

"Mm," Allen said in agreement, looking around as well. "It's kind of weird. Maybe he's leaving me alone because we're in headquarters?"

"Maybe," she echoed, but didn't seem too convinced. She paused for a moment, feeling an odd, magnetic combination of being drawn in and repulsed at the same time. Putting aside any anxiety by realizing moments away from prying eyes would be rare, she scooted closer so that her thigh brushed against his faintly. Aware that he was watching her carefully, she chose to look down at the raw, twisted metal and stone below them as she let her legs sway, the rings around her ankles clinking together lightly.

"I talked to Komui," she began suddenly and felt Allen tense up. She glanced at him and laughed a bit at the apprehensive look he had. "About the Innocence reacting," she clarified. "Nothing specific, but... he hadn't heard of anything of the sort happening before." She looked troubled as she thought about what Komui had said about dark matter but didn't tell Allen; she _knew_ it could not be what her brother thought. With someone like Allen it made no sense.

Allen sobered at her words, the familiar apprehension over unknown powers and mirror specter growing. Guilt wore at him and he covered her hand with his without a second thought. "If there's nothing more we know about it and nothing else to do, we might as well smile and move on, right?" he said, a familiar, easy smile transforming his face as he spoke as much for his sake as for hers.

Lenalee stared at him, surprise on her face, before she relaxed and smiled in return. "It's funny," she said, moving a hand to touch his cheek affectionately. "I know how you really feel when you smile like that, but I still find myself reassured."

Feeling oddly touched by that, Allen blinked in awe at the understanding, still not used to it, before a grateful look softened his expression. This is what he had missed, he realized absently, as he closed his eyes and leaned into the touch against his cheek. The strange, comfortable connection he felt with her that went far beyond anything physical.

Opening his eyes, he found her watching him with an unreadable expression. He felt strangely sober under that gaze and stared back, clear-eyed. Lenalee smiled at that, and with her hand still against his cheek she leaned forward as if tugged by a string, but she hesitated.

Allen did smile at that, and leaned in the rest of the way.

Sitting on the broken platform beneath them, inspector Howard Link looked aside with a scowl and a flush as the legs above him shifted and brushed together.

His charge was _very_ stupid.

Surrounding by books and papers from the work he had been busying himself with while Allen had brooded earlier, he resisted the urge to chastise the pair above. Maybe even yell. What unseemly behavior. Sometimes he hated it when he was right. He had given Walker enough distance and rope that, yes, he had hung himself royally with it.

Actually, the strategy worked very well in terms of his observation duties. Lenalee's comment on her talk with Komui had made him pause. Link did make a note of that.

Still, he stared at the notes in his lap, inked pen in hand, with a hard expression as he found himself wavering. While what those two were doing was undeniably idiotic and heavily frowned upon by Central, it really didn't have anything to do with what he was supposed to be watching for, did it? Stuck in rationalizing, he noted that if the knowledge of them were to become public it would only make his actual duties more difficult as well.

But then, Central could potentially be very displeased at not knowing.

He really didn't want to have to think about this.

Link rubbed at an imaginary migraine. Writing reports on _romantic interludes_ was not even something he could consider. It was highly distasteful, really. Link scowled again, resolving himself. Fine, he would not put to paper Walker's exploits as long as there was nothing about them that would suggest any of the things that Central actually worried about. But he wouldn't cover for them if asked, either.

Annoyed that he was getting this unbalanced by having to observe some child – a few years of age _did_ make a difference! – Link started to gather his materials together stiffly. This assignment was far more trouble than he would have guessed and none of it the kind he would have expected.

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Later, while looking for Timcanpy Allen did finally see Link, though the blonde acted more standoffish than usual and had eventually excused himself, citing something about reporting in. Instinct made Allen regard that a bit suspiciously, grateful for Link not sticking to him like glue as usual yet wary of the reasons why. But he let it go for the time being, deciding to enjoy the strange amount of freedom he was getting.

When he did find Timcanpy he was a bit unnerved to find him in Lavi's hands as the redhead sat on a ledge in one of the studies.

"Oi, Allen," Lavi called out in greeting, though his hands were occupied with the golem and seeing how much he could get it to stretch. "Tim's kind of like rubber, isn't he?" Timcanpy made a whining sound, or perhaps it was the sound of the material he was made of being pulled too much, but it sounded pathetic enough that Allen hurriedly rescued him.

"I don't think he's meant to be stretched like that," Allen muttered as he surveyed the very wide-cheeked golem wobbling around on his palm.

"It's all good," Lavi said with a grin, propelling himself off the ledge to stand straight. "Thaw out yet?" he asked conversationally.

"I think so," Allen answered in some distraction as he lifted his golem up so it could resume its usual perch on top of his head. He wondered at just giving up on trying to hide things from Timcanpy and instead convincing the golem to keep it to himself; he was extremely loyal, after all, it seemed.

Lavi watched rather quietly as Allen seemed lost in thought as he fiddled with Timcanpy's tail. "You seem unusually thoughtful lately," he pointed out.

Allen raised an eyebrow at that, used to Lavi's prodding. "Are you implying I don't usually think?"

The redhead did snicker at that. "No, actually. I mean you seem stuck in your own head a lot."

To his surprise, Allen just sighed a bit in weary acceptance. "I suppose I am."

Blinking a bit, Lavi looked around. "That's right. Where has your shadow been lately, anyway?"

Allen grimaced a bit to himself at the double-meaning in that statement, though he knew that Lavi only knew of the one that caused him less worry. "Link's been talking with Central a lot since we got back, that's all I know. I'm kind of relieved for the break, really."

A more sober look flickered across Lavi's face and he didn't seem relieved at all to hear that, though he didn't say anything on it, just made note of the fact. "Ah well," he said, trying to make light of the situation. "You're going to get spoiled having all this time to yourself. Maybe your bad luck is finally changing. First all those days by yourself with Lenalee and now this." Lavi heaved a sigh intended for drama. "I'm envious."

Allen gave him a flat, entirely unamused look. "Are you still going on about that?"

"Why shouldn't I?" His eye twinkled in amusement at the reaction he was getting. "You always hog her attention. You wouldn't let me hold her hand on the ark even when I asked so nicely," Lavi said, miming a look of long suffering. Lenalee was the only girl their age around, a pretty one at that, and she did seem favor and act different around Allen. Basking in silly, normal topics like this kept him sane and Allen's almost-comic sensitivity on the topic only made it better. "Really," he drawled, looking for the next button to push. "If I didn't know better I'd swear you guys had already slept together."

Allen had jolted at that with a bit of a flush and started to angrily protest the rude suggestion, but Lavi had seen it. That momentary freeze and flicker in his eye. He may only have had one eye, but very little could get past a Bookman apprentice. Little interactions and gestures he had seen suddenly clicked into place.

Allen was cut off abruptly when Lavi leaned down suddenly to stare at him with a genuinely surprised expression, his eye a bit wide. "Don't tell me… you actually did?"

Allen looked stricken, realizing Lavi was figuring it out, and he tried to smooth things over. It hadn't even been a day and it seemed everyone he knew was picking up on what had happened like bloodhounds. "I-it's not what you think!" But he was choked off by Lavi grabbing him in a vicious headlock and drubbing his head so cheerfully Allen could swear he saw stars.

"Haha! Look, our beansprout's finally become a man," he crowed, seeming ridiculously pleased. He finally let Allen go to stand back and size up the smaller exorcist, hand thoughtfully to chin with a wicked leer. "Oooh, now big brother here's going to have to give you all sorts of advice."

Allen paled. Lavi could be scary. He smiled as if to shield it off. "Th-that's not necessary, really.."

"'course it is!" Lavi pointed to the ceiling for emphasis, getting into the roll now whole-heartedly. "Kissing technique! Sexy dating spots! Sexy dialogue! Buying sexy lingerie!" Lavi seemed to falter at this one a bit and get lost in his thoughts. Lenalee in sexy lingerie… He collected himself quickly. "Bedroom stuff," he added with an evil grin.

Allen was quite pale now. "Lech…" he managed weakly before sobering and looking aside with somewhat of a sad smile. "Besides, I don't think she wants that stuff."

Lavi looked confused. Well, okay, not all the stuff, but still. "Don't be silly. What girl doesn't want some romance?"

"She just wants to be friends, I think," Allen concluded, though he seemed a bit unsure himself.

"So.. she rejected you?" Lavi was used to figuring things out quickly, but this was just not adding up.

Allen glanced back up quickly. "No, she didn't." He was sure of that much.

"So, you're just friends, you're trying not to tell anyone, and you're still going to…" Lavi's eye seemed to narrow. Despite his irreverent persona he couldn't quite finish that thought.

Allen faltered at that and seemed to get lost in his thoughts with that sad expression again. "I guess."

It took him completely off-guard when Lavi charged him, grabbing him by his shirt and slamming him into the wall with such force Allen was sure a few bricks must have cracked.

"She is NOT your FUCK BUDDY!" Lavi roared point blank, eye livid.

Pinned, Allen looked panicked. "No, you're wrong! That's not it at all!" Not able to get angry, he went limp and glanced to the side. "That's not it at all."

Not willing to let his rage go yet, Lavi let Allen go but barked, "Well, what is it then?"

"I don't know," Allen answered honestly. Lavi fisted his shirt again roughly.

"Not good enough," he bit out.

"Well, then what is?!" Allen cried out, frustrated of being confused and being punished for it. "It's what she wanted – she _said_ she didn't want to do the whole normal stuff!" Allen shoved off Lavi's grip, taking a step back to readjust his collar. "How could we possibly be normal? We're in the middle of a war," he muttered.

"Idiot!" Lavi raked a hand through his hair savagely to keep himself from hitting Allen again. "She'd say all that to protect _you_! " Allen's eyes widened at that, but Lavi went on. "Think about who Lenalee is. She's always trying to protect and look out for you, of course she'd try to make things easier on you. Gah!" Lavi looked frustrated. "You're both such martyrs! Who cares if it's a war? You do your missions and fight your enemies and then try to have the most fucking normal life you can! You love her, right?"

Still a bit overwhelmed, Allen answered honestly again, "I guess."

Lavi did punch him that time. "NOT good enough!"

Allen recoiled, getting angry now. "Stop hitting me, damnit!"

Ignoring him, Lavi raged on. "I know you think she's cute! You like her, right? You can't imagine a future without her standing with you, right?" Allen was nodding silently, unable to get a word in anyway. "Then don't you love her?!"

The thought struck him as if for the first time, and the anger left Allen as he considered that. He could hear Lavi breathing heavily from the exertion and excess emotion, and it made Allen smile sadly. Lenalee… he felt a lot of things when he thought about her. But they were just feelings, he didn't know what to label them. It seemed too complex and at the same time too simple to label. "I don't know," he said so peacefully that Lavi couldn't hit him for that.

That was it… Lavi stood somewhat defeated, not knowing what to say to that. That Allen… he really didn't understand those things? It really could bite him on the ass and he wouldn't recognize it for what it was. But still.. Lavi clenched his fists. "Then figure it out!" he cried angrily, and Allen was a bit taken aback when he saw the signs of angry tears in Lavi's eye. "Lenalee is special! She deserves someone and something special! If that's not you then you had better figure that out before you break her heart!"

"Lavi…" Allen managed, a bit at a loss. Recognizing it, his expression softened. "You really care about Lenalee a lot, don't you Lavi."

The wind taken out of his sails, Lavi paused a moment before crossing his arms. "Well, someone has to," he said with a shrug, deflecting in the way only he could.

"I guess so," Allen agreed, a gentle yet sad look on his face. "I think I'd like to go to bed now," he said with a small, somewhat tight smile. "Goodnight, Lavi."

"Ah," Lavi made a motion as if to call Allen back, but something about the small boy's overly polite tone and posture said he shouldn't. He watched him walk away for a moment before muttering, "'night, Allen." He had really hurt the boy, hadn't he? Lavi let out an exhausted sigh. Ah, this was really a lot more complicated than he was figuring. Those two… they were really messed up. Allen… that stupid little brother he wished could have all the things he himself couldn't. Really, that made things so difficult. And Lenalee…

Lavi stood there for a long moment, a somber and thoughtful expression on his face. Finally, he turned and walked back towards his room.

In the end, he really was just a Bookman.


	8. Trepidation: part 2

Oh my god. Update!

Guess what? I have a beta reader now, and they are awesome. While this means slightly slower updates I hope the quality shall make up for it. :3 With their help I have also tweaked and redone the previous chapters; nothing drastic, just fixing some broken characterizations and scenes.

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**Trepidation - part 2**

_"__In restless dreams I walked alone down narrow streets of cobblestone. _  
_Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again, because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping,__ and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence." _

**_"Sound of Silence" - Simon and Garfunkel_**

It rained often in England.

It slicked his overcoat and the cold threatened to seep through if not for the new uniform and its protective qualities. The cold, salty breeze still bit at him and whipped the rain into his face, but Allen did not mind so much and stood at the bow of the boat. Watching the gray waves and sky made him feel old, but not in a particularly bad way.

A twinge, perhaps an imagined punishment, made the side of his face twitch and he covered his left eye with his hand. It had been quiet for a long time, but lately it had been seething.

Allen grimaced, and as he recalled the last few days he thought the rain not such an inappropriate thing.

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Allen doubled over for a moment, and the quiet gasp made Link look up from his scribing. The blonde seemed surprised for a moment, staring at an eye now red, and grabbed the edge of his chair in preparation. "You sense an akuma?"

The boy, a bit surprised, shook his head, reflexively keeping that side of his face turned from Link. He knew the difference in feeling. "No, there's no akuma."

Link seemed to process this and watched him neutrally for a moment. "That eye of yours - how long has been doing that?"

"Not long. It just acts up sometimes," he said while trying to dismiss it lightly, but the strong, uncontrolled yanking of the ball in its socket made even thinking hard and it crept into his voice. It didn't hurt, but it was a disturbing marionette sensation. It hadn't acted like this, though, in so very long. Not since he first gained this new eye and discovered his weapon's - nay, his heart's - true intent in China. Allen tried to force himself to relax back into bed, the book in his lap long forgotten. The fact that it was roiling, seeking yet again, disturbed him.

It made him look at the painting of the jester carrying the coffin on the wall with a somber expression. It was essentially the only thing he hadn't packed yet for the journey.

Link continued to stare at Allen and his introspective expression before he made a dismissive sound in the back of his throat and picked the quill up again. "According to the Asia branch records, it was had something to do with how you failed for so long in regaining your Innocence."

Allen turned in some surprise at that before his good eye narrowed a bit in response. "It's the reason I was able to regain it," he countered with no small amount of determination, watching Link for the probing statements he knew the man capable of using.

"Some might say that," Link noted as he shifted to fully regard the exorcist. "It does seem like it keeps you from straying from your duties." He had done his homework before this assignment and he meant full-well to use it. It was the kind of person he was.

Both looking and feeling a bit wary at that statement, given who it was coming from, Allen watched him in silence for a moment. The words gnawed at him, though, and Allen relented with a rueful smile. "I suppose it does."

Link hesitated for a moment, his stare boring into the side of Allen's head as he warred internally over making this his concern or not. "Walker," he said finally, and the tone did make Allen look directly at him though he still covered his left eye. Link's expression was unreadable, but Allen got the distinct impression of overwhelming disapproval. "What is Miss Lee to you?"

His eye widened for a moment before again narrowing rapidly. It made him nervous. "Why are you asking?" The lack of flushed rebuke was telling.

The blonde's expression never wavered. "The same reason that eye of yours is."

Allen didn't have a response for that, and they let it go with a distinctly uneasy silence.

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This time it _hurt_.

Allen only barely had the presence of mind to stop a choked cry before it woke Link. Bolt upright before he had realized it, he clutched at his eye as sharp, spasming pain lanced from the socket through his skull and down his spine. Stop it, he wanted to plead, but kept himself silent, if tense. Behind the agony, voices and images flickered through his head, ghosts that tickled at his conscious and made him wonder at what he had just been dreaming.

Purple. Skulls. A grotesquely cartoonish smile. A black moon.

How long had he been like this?

Stumbling at first before he collected himself enough to keep from waking Link in his makeshift bed on the floor, Allen was out of his room and padding down up the tower's stairs before he fully processed where he was going or why. Something half-hidden from his conscious mind pressed him forward, though, and he found himself staring at the worn wood of the door he knew guarded Lenalee's room.

Gritting his teeth again and not pleased at all, he leaned his forehead against the cool timber and willed his eye to quiet. Shut up, please shut up, he thought desperately. He had come here, so couldn't it leave him on his own for a while?

The door opening suddenly surprised him and he stumbled for a moment to catch his balance even as he jerked up to stare at an equally surprised Lenalee. Clad in a long, black nightgown and holding a kerosene lamp, she watched him with a wide-eyed look of her own in surprise at his actually being there and, he realized with a bit of shamed dismay at seeing her stare, the active demon eye.

"Allen," she said, still sounding surprised, but sympathy took over and she reached a hand towards his cursed eye and its twitching, red sclera. It was like that of a level three's, and though she didn't recoil she recalled perhaps a bit too much the memories it made flash. While he startled and tried to hide it first, he stopped when her hand did cover his eye and the intricate scar softly, his own hand frozen just over hers. She continued to watch him with some concern. "You had a bad dream as well?" Lenalee ventured, a somewhat anxious expression on her face.

"I think so," he said, guilty at burdening her like this but feeling lying an even worse thing to do. Despite that, her sideways admission wasn't lost on him. With a bit of surprise at the sudden relief, he let both eyes drift shut on an impulse and felt the raging sorrow in his left one slow. He did let his hand cup over hers lightly then. Realizing she was still watching him with that concerned expression he went on. "I don't really remember, but it was the same place as before."

Lenalee's expression was unfathomable but certainly poignant, and she dropped her hand to tug at his until he half-stumbled out of the hall and into her room. Though he watched her with an awkward, somewhat confused expression as she closed the door he was thankful if surprised for the quieting of his eye to normal. If he thought about it, though, it disturbed him a bit.

What were _they_ trying to tell him?

"Allen," Lenalee said, interrupting him from his thoughts. "Why are you here?" She didn't seem displeased and perhaps even glad to see him, but curious nonetheless. In the nearly two years he had been here he had never once come to her room before.

Still touching the side of his cheekbone absently, Allen glanced at her but didn't have a satisfactory answer. He was quiet for a moment before his lips twitched with a wan smile. It was funny - as he got closer to her he felt the compulsion to be more open, but that also made him feel guilty and a bit crass. "I guess after what happened... I think I came here on autopilot. Sorry," he said with a shrug and an apologetic grin. He thought it sounded rather lame, but it was as close to the truth as anything.

Lenalee smiled at that and a warm quality in her eyes let him relax. There was no other seating in her fairly spartan room so she sat on the edge of her bed and patted the space next to her in invitation. A bit reluctantly, despite a secretly pleased other-side, he followed and joined her. "I didn't mean to bother you if you were sleeping," Allen pointed out, still feeling a bit awkward at the intrusion. It felt very different to be in her room.

"I wasn't anymore," she assured him. Her eyes quieted as she watched him, though, before she ventured a question. "Your eye just now... is that why you didn't want me to see it that one night?"

When the snow came down... He smiled thinly at the memory. That had been an odd day, a special day, even if it was as painful as it was comforting. "Yeah." Allen grinned a bit awkwardly. "It's a bit scary to look at, I imagine," he said, scratching at his cheek as he remembered Lou Fa shrieking and backing away when she had first seen it. He was unwilling to tell her of what it had ultimately meant and what he had decided for himself and his future in China. But he was again confused and it disapproved of... he wasn't sure how much, but it wasn't pleasant to even consider, let alone discuss with Lenalee.

He was far too aware that he was sitting next to her as Lavi, Johnny, and the remnants of whispers echoed in his head.

Her hand was on the sheets between them in light support of herself when he shifted suddenly to cover her hand with his and squeeze it as if it were the only solid thing to him. Lenalee blinked in surprise at the strong gesture, but otherwise didn't move. "Allen...?" She couldn't see much of his profile as his long, white bangs hid most of his face. She could tell, though, that he gnawed on his lip in apparent frustration. She squeezed his hand in return in the hope to soothe his obvious distress and twisted so she could brush at the hair in front of his face with her other hand.

"It's funny," he said without humor, even as he smiled, and it made her pause. "When I was a kid I always thought myself so boring and unimportant that it wouldn't matter what I did with myself," he said, stumbling through the words because if he stopped to think about what he was saying it would surely make him stop. "It's funny because... I don't believe anything like that now, but I think I miss it. Yet I don't." He sounded as confused as he felt and Allen ran his hand through his hair while his other still clutched hers tightly. He let his head drop again. "I don't know what I feel," he admitted, even though he knew she probably didn't know what he was talking about at all. He looked up with a guilty grin, mentally resettling a mask as he started to let go of her hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go on like that."

He was surprised when before he could withdraw she grabbed his hand with both of hers. "Don't ever worry about going on like that." Lenalee said it so firmly while staring directly into his eyes he had to blink at the force behind her words, though she hadn't raised her voice. "I mean it. You seem like such an open person usually, but," she faltered, and would have looked troubled if it didn't make so much sense. "You're not really, are you. You hide a lot more." She relaxed the grip she had on his hand as she lowered her gaze, a knowing smile on her face. "I think you shouldn't keep so much to yourself. So don't feel bad about talking about it when you need to."

Sometimes she really missed the seemingly carefree, slight boy that had joined the Order. Yet in reality he was nothing like that.

Allen stared at her for a long moment, but he couldn't find any point to argue that with as he watched her slack shoulders. Instinct guided him and he brought his free hand up to touch her cheek gently, even as his expression saddened. "I'm sorry. I guess it's a habit." Her unwavering look reinforced the realization that she wouldn't buy that, even if she would accept him anyway. He didn't like to think about how close to home her words could sometimes hit. Allen's expression softened at that and he brushed her hair back gently like she had his a moment before. "Thank you," he said sincerely, even though he was unlikely to willingly take her up on the offer.

Lenalee seemed to recognize that, too, but she was grateful for his words and smiled a bit more easily.

They fell into a somewhat awkward silence after that, both a bit too aware at how fuzzy and undefined their boundaries were now.

A thought occurred to Lenalee and she reached a hand towards the scar on his cheek, though she barely touched it. "When your eye is like that... does your scar always change like that?"

Allen gave her an odd look. "Like what?"

Considering that, Lenalee frowned. Well, she supposed it wasn't like he would go look in a mirror when it happened. "It's normal now, but before it was different. Bigger and a lot more intricate."

That surprised him, and he didn't know what to say to that. Even scars like his couldn't just change like that, could they?

Watching his flickering expression, she ran her finger over the line as if confirming the skin was indeed scored. "Perhaps it's not really a scar?"

Maybe it was her words or the way she touched the mark, but it made something in him twist painfully and, grabbing her hand gently, he lowered it back to the mattress between them. Though his expression was gentle the gesture was not lost on Lenalee. "I doubt that. I think it has to be one of a sort." How someone could be struck like he had and not suffer a scar didn't make any more sense than it changing shape.

Sensing it was a sensitive topic for him she just made a sound of agreement and watched his profile and the distant expression he had. In the dark and in the long-sleeved black shirt he wore he stood out in high contrast; pale, ghostlike.

Her heart twinged. "Would you like to stay for a while?" She meant it innocently and her expression reflected that; she just didn't like to see him like this.

It brought him back to reality and Allen looked a bit incredulously at her, though not for any rational reason other than it was a deeply ingrained response for him. Practical concerns reared themselves in graphic detail in his mind; Link, Komui next door, if even being here was a good idea.

The first two he could mostly dismiss as it being the middle of the night and them likely dead to the world. The other... was not an easy decision.

His hand was still covering hers in the space between them. Allen squeezed it lightly. "Maybe for a while," he admitted, though he didn't look her in the eye.

Lenalee gave him an encouraging look anyway and scooted further up the bed to rearrange her pillows so she could prop herself up against them. He followed a moment later, though he still seemed a bit hesitant, so she reached towards him and he felt a bit better about it, shifting so he was behind her.

Allen sighed mentally to himself as Lenalee leaned back half against his chest, but he wrapped his arms around her anyway, lacing his right hand with hers, and tucking his face against her hair. This was the first time he had been able to hold her like this since the cabin and it made surprised him a bit to realize a how much he had missed it.

"_If that's not you then you had better figure that out before you break her heart!"_

How could he?, Allen thought a bit miserably to himself with no little amount of resentment. He had avoided Lenalee - and Lavi - as best he could the past couple days and alternated between pushing it out of his mind and fixating on it. For once, Allen had been grateful to busy himself with the move and the distraction it gave. Still, he wasn't able to come up with any better answer than he had already given Lavi.

Now, with his eye, he doubted himself and this situation more than he would like.

Allen might have been excellent at keeping things to himself when he wanted to, but his body language betrayed him when he was this close. It made Lenalee stare quietly at the shadows of her room, feeling his inability to relax and the tension in his right hand even as it still held hers.

She really did despise his eye sometimes.

Seeing it earlier it had unnerved her more than she would have liked, though she had tried to not let it show, and she realized now why he had hidden it from her that one other night. In that state it really was like an akuma's, and it made her realize yet again her fear for the darkness he kept slipping towards. Or perhaps it was how he tried to wave it off even though she could see how much it troubled him.

She didn't know which she couldn't stand more. Caring for him_ hurt_.

She had to smile to herself though, yet it didn't quite reach her eyes. It hurt, but it was also the best feeling and something she didn't think she could ever stop doing.

After all, someone had to protect him from himself sometimes.

"Despite everything, I'm glad you came tonight," she said quietly, though in the silence it seemed loud.

Allen paused at that, considering. The automatic, scripted response was to say he was as well, but that wasn't really true, was it? Holding her like this also clouded his judgment, though he _was_ glad on some level for that.

He took the easy way out for now and pressed a gentle kiss against her ear. He was pleased that she felt the way she said she did - that much was true and enough of an answer for now.

She made a sound in the back of her throat like a muffled laugh at the rather ticklish gesture, not quite what he had intended but it made him smile. As his mood lightened, though, a thought suddenly occurred to him and he glanced up quickly, surveying the room.

"By the way.. are you sure your brother doesn't monitor your room?"

Lenalee couldn't help but actually laugh at that, though she remembered to be quiet. "I don't think he'd go quite that far." She could practically hear Allen frowning, unconvinced, at the back of her head and she considered it a moment longer. "I doubt it, at least." He sighed.

It made her think on that note, though, and she shifted so she could turn to look at him. "I know what we said, but.." Lenalee glanced down at his chest, finding looking him in the eye a bit much at the moment. "I feel guilty about not telling him."

He could empathize with how she felt, though he didn't see an easy solution. "Do you want to tell him?" Allen ventured, though the idea was.. well, it wasn't one he could picture just yet. A thought occurred to him, though - _what_ would she tell him they were in that hypothetical?

"Yes and no," she admitted. "I don't know, but it seems unfair both to keep it from him and to burden him with it. But.. not yet, at least."

Allen didn't quite know what to say to that so he hugged a bit tighter her to offer some comfort and she pressed her her face against the crook of his neck in response. "If you do decide to tell him, please warn me so I can get a running start first," he offered, trying to lighten the situation. He was pleased when he was rewarded with a small laugh from her, knowing he hadn't really helped but at least it was a step in the right direction.

Her lashes fluttering against his neck as she closed her eyes led his mind wander and he was reminded again why this was a bad idea. With his confused feelings it didn't seem right and he closed his eyes guiltily at the thought, though he didn't move. He wished he could be mad at Lavi for putting the indecision in his head and making him come to terms so quickly, but he felt couldn't blame anyone other then himself.

Not for the first time he wished there was a neutral party he could trust talking to, but... there was a ridiculously small number of other men he would even consider talking about anything like with. In fact, none. Lavi he couldn't after what had happened. Johnny seemed eager to help, but... Allen wasn't sure he was too keen on that. If it were_ anyone_ other than Lenalee he might consider Komui and the almost familial bond he sometimes felt with the man, but... that one was_ obviously_ a no-go.

No, he was on his own for this. Wasn't he usually?

Allen drew back slightly so he could brush the bangs from her eyes and look at her. "I should let you get back to sleep," he said, smiling softly in the dim light.

She had that oddly clear-eyed expression again for a moment before she smiled brightly. "Don't worry about me." She leaned in to brush a faint kiss against his cheek. "But if you need to get back that's fine."

He closed his eyes for a moment and fought the impulse. It was both easier to do so even while a greater temptation now. "I should. Link might wake up and come looking." Allen still had that gentle look, but Lenalee didn't miss the moment of indecision flicker in his eyes briefly and would have said something except he was already shifting away

He did hover for a moment on the side of the bed as she sat up. Awkward didn't begin to cover the simultaneous repel-attract dynamic both of them sometimes felt at times likes this. Weren't things like what they had 'done' supposed to make things simpler?

It really felt like the opposite.

Lenalee turned the knob on the lamp on the table to brighten the room a bit for him. "Allen," she said, getting his attention. "I was serious." When he looked at her and the high contrast, flickering shadows of her face, he realized the forthright nature of her statement. "Don't ever worry about talking with me about anything."

She blinked at the rather strange look he got for a moment, but he smiled in a way that made her heart tight and pressed his lips to hers abruptly, though he lingered.

Sometimes he made her feel as sad as he did special, usually both at the same time, and Lenalee wanted so desperately drive that darkness out of him that she tried to will her feelings through that kiss.

That Allen drew back reluctantly even though he looked like he had made up his mind up didn't sit well, but she couldn't question that. She touched his hand in a familiar, reassuring way and smiled. "Goodnight, Allen."

Something about the way he looked at her gave Lenalee the impression he wanted to touch her again and while she would _never_ consider herself wanton, she did feel a bit disappointed that he hadn't. What was he turning her into?

He bade her goodnight as well and touched her hair again as she continued to smile, a subdued, fond expression, until he closed the door with a quiet thump of the old wood. Automatically, she turned off the lamp again and leaned against the cast iron of her bed frame.

What_ was_ she becoming? The thought bothered her now. That his eye was paining him _now_ of all times couldn't be a coincidence, but it also seemed a physical parallel to her own thoughts. She didn't regret anything. She really didn't. But.. Lenalee squeezed her knees tightly as her hands already rest there.

It didn't make sense, but somehow it felt like they were hurting each other. She wanted to see him again just then badly even as she felt inexplicably guilty.

She resolved to try harder to make him smile like he used to more.

That night she fell asleep hugging a pillow tightly and not at all at ease.

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The spires of a cathedral materialized out of the fog, and Allen let out a breath in the cold, foggy air. _So that's it? _Somehow it felt appropriate.

He smiled a bit, though. He had some hope that perhaps his situation would make sense with matters finally starting to get back to normal, or at least as close as they could. When he stopped to think about it, he had almost forgotten what regular duties were like. The unexpected jaunt in New York had been something, but overshadowed by what had happened next. Maybe that was part of his problem.

Maybe his bastard of a master would finally return from Central and properly explain everything.

When he heard Lenalee call out to him and step on deck with Johnny he turned in a bit of surprise at seeing them in the rain, but smiled for the company.

Yes, he would choose to have hope in the promise of routine and being able to finally move forward


	9. Trepidation: part 3

I suck, I'm sorry. The chapter is late because I didn't know where to end it, then I was at Anime Boston having fun cosplaying as Allen where I was hugged at least a hundred times by fangirls and fanboys alike, tackled, actually mistaken for a guy _repeatedly_ (*flex*), thrown into headlocks by Kandas, picked up like a sack of potatoes/hugged, butt-groped, tormented by Noah, attacked by debt-seeking zombies, given candy, loomed over by a Mr. Fix-it Komui, made to pose for at least half an hour for photos, and almost assaulted in the bathroom by a Road. WHERE WERE THE LENALEES? Why was I molested/hit/assaulted/stalked by every DGM character except her?! Oh, right. She's the sane one.

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**Trepidation – part 3**

"_And when the day has all but ended and our echo starts to fade… No, you will not be alone then, and you will not be afraid. _

_Now comes the night; feel it fading away. And the soul underneath - is it all that remains?  
So just slide over here; leave your fear in the fray. Let us hold to each other until the end of our days."_

"_**Now Comes the Night" – Rob Thomas**_

Lenalee was a very dedicated person.

Johnny was talking at her, trying to cheer her up like he had since she was a child and he a still-bumbling teenage scientist, but she stared at her knees and remembered Allen smiling in pained reassurance as he had been led off.

More and more she found herself dwelling on that smile and what it stood for. It made her far from happy.

"Lenalee," Johnny began uncertainly. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She laughed at that, halfway between genuine and deflection. "Why are you asking me that? I'm not the one…" Memories flashed; her smile faded. "I'm not the one being questioned."

He frowned expressively at that but didn't know what to say. "Allen is," he began, but trailed off. "Well, he's just good. So we shouldn't worry and nor should Central."

A corner of her lip twitched up at her own memories. "I don't worry about that. Leverrier… he just does things to people. Things like this." Lenalee was unconsciously biting her lower lip. "It doesn't matter who Allen is when they get involved." She had thought perhaps it would not go beyond Link being assigned to watch him, but she was sadly mistaken and she saw too much of her own past in him now.

She would never have expected it but she saw a lot of herself in Allen at times and it unnerved her.

"I think that doesn't matter," Johnny answered abruptly and made her feel a bit guilty for getting lost in her thoughts. "Remember what I said before? Allen is Allen and he cares about all of us. There's no way they can't see that."

Staring into his thick glasses she couldn't help but wonder at the strange insight Johnny sometimes had, but Lenalee smiled and recalled better times.

.

.

_Johnny had been following her more closely than she recalled, and Lenalee blinked sometimes during the trip at how he had suddenly become a close friend. _

"_Allen seems a lot more sociable, doesn't he?" the scientist had begun with, a cheeky smile on his face._

"_I guess," Lenalee admitted with a polite smile. _

_Adjusting his glasses with one of his middle fingers, Johnny was suddenly perched in front of her with a frown. "No, I mean it's really noticeable. He treats you separately, to the point of talking really differently around you." __Maybe it was dangerous to pry, but he didn't really see anything to lose in trying to encourage her on. Maybe they were already together, yeah, but they didn't have to tiptoe around so much. They _shouldn't_ have to, even if he sort of understood why. _

_Lenalee felt an awkwardness rising in her uncharacteristically and she worried a bit. "Does he...?" she deflected, neutral, but was also naturally curious now. __This wasn't something she would normally fixate on, but hearing it from Johnny was a bit odd. The reaffirmation after the small smile Allen had given her upon leaving the night before didn't seem to fit, either, but it did make her think._

_But thinking about it made her feel a bit guilty and she didn't exactly know why. She was confident in what she and Allen were... but then, what was that?_

_Now she really couldn't bring herself to think about that, so she was confident in what was otherwise nameless. It was easier that way. _

"_Of course," Johnny said with a somewhat smug expression__, dragging Lenalee back to the moment,__ feeling that he had succeeded in making her notice. "Allen's always really polite around everyone except people he actually likes, right?" Lenalee seemed to consider that for a moment, but nodded. "Well, he's been doing that a lot lately." He grinned, jabbing a thumb at himself in self-recognition. "Around me, too. So we're all like family, right?" Family that hadn't seen what he had. It was kind of fun to giggle over the concept but too awkward to think about around Lenalee at least. He was damn determined to see the two of them happy, though._

_Lenalee smiled at that and Johnny was taken a bit off guard by the sad and wistful quality of it. "I guess we are."_

_When they had been chased on deck by the seasick Komui they were distracting Johnny had tried to cheer up and point it all out to Allen as well, but he fell somewhat short. Lenalee had been there and smiling at his thoughtfulness and noting her own impressions, but discreetly keeping her own and their relationship to herself._

_Allen acting nervous and laughing didn't escape her notice and she let it trail off, even when her brother had loomed and held Allen's shoulders in reaffirmation of the serious nature of their situation. She had stared at that; Komui didn't act around anyone other than her like that. What did her brother know and why did he treat Allen like kin? It touched her heart in an achingly sweet way._

_Aching but sweet tended to describe everything she felt about Allen._

.

.

A very disturbed Johhny was in her face. "A-are you crying?"

Was she? Lenalee blinked rapidly and felt wetness around her chin. "It's not what you think," she started, trying to smile and rubbing hard at her face. "It's just, um." She was at a loss for words. It felt like they had been sitting here and waiting for hours.

"He'll be okay!" Johnny blurted out, grabbing her elbow in what he hoped was a reassuring motion. "Allen's strong and good!"

That wasn't why she was crying, but Lenalee's tears dried and she smiled as she composed her face. "I know. … Thank you for staying here with me," she said as she realized how odd it was that Johnny would stay in the study and wait for Allen's return with her. She knew he and Allen had become close; they had started playing chess to fill the gap of Suman after Allen had returned. Allen wormed his way into people's lives like that. It was sweet and annoying at the same time.

He may have been a closer part of their family, but really, why was Johnny here?

"Johnny, I've known you a long time, haven't I?" Lenalee began, looking into the distance and the dark.

"Uh, I guess," he answered, feeling a bit uncoordinated.

"And you've always been frank and true to yourself," she continued without seeming to notice. "You don't do a single thing without reason. So, why…" she felt tears prick again inexplicably. "Why are you here and waiting with me?"

Johnny again felt his age – these two seemed to do that a lot with him – and he wanted to hug the younger exorcist. Guilt _gnawed_ at him around Lenalee, too. "I know!" he blurted and suddenly he couldn't look at her. "I know… about the two of you. And, um, I think it's good!" he clarified, startled at her sudden, wide-eyed stare. "I really like you and Allen," Johnny muttered in a serious tone now, staring at the floor. "And I really think you two are good together, so… yeah."

He was awkward and inexperienced for someone years older than the girl next to him, but he beamed and jerked a thumb at himself with a cocky air anyway. "So I'm here to remind you about all that and him!"

Lenalee could only stare as she digested all that. A part of her mind wondered if despite Allen's calm commentary Johnny had actually seen the golem's feed, but that didn't seem to matter and she didn't want to think about it anyway.

"What would I do without you, Johnny?" she laughed as she pat him on the shoulder and remembered years of jostling with him and the science department.

Johnny looked relieved, moreso than she felt.

Good together, huh. It made her feel a bit petty to be thinking about things like that when Allen was likely being interrogated, but her thoughts ran unbidden, recalling how he had seemed to be avoiding her for a while.

As much as she wanted to believe in the simplicity Johnny seemed to be insisting they have, reality was making its unwelcome presence known.

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Lavi didn't like his other side sometimes.

For years he thought it his true self, but since joining these exorcists he found he utterly didn't recognize himself. Even Road hadn't revealed it to him. In fact, she had only made it worse.

Damn manipulative bitch.

He sulked behind his scarf and uniform as Komui and Leverrier hung on Cross's every word and scorn over the speaker. The Bookman stood beside him in silence, statue-esque, other than the presence he felt whispering in his mind.

Lavi's words to Allen haunted him in pure disgust now that he heard the boy cry out at his master in complaint at the monster taking over him. Was he truly psychic or just a cruel jokester?

I didn't mean it like that, Lavi wanted to say but realized he sort of had. Allen was going to die, one way or another, and he was going to destroy everyone around him, wasn't he?

Lavi, the child who had seen every atrocity known to mankind, wanted to cry at that. Why did someone like Allen have to be eaten alive and turned into a monster like that?

Why would Lenalee have to be the one to watch that?

Why would he?

"I'm sick of wars and this," he muttered in a low tone to the Bookman.

"You can't be," came the reply. "This is why we live. Idiot."

Lavi clenched his fist hard and the Bookman noticed; it was enough of a reply. The other occupants of the room didn't even notice them. Typical.

"Lavi, you're thinking about people too much." They blended into shadows even when in plain sight so their whispering did not seem to register to the other occupants of the room.

"Why shouldn't I?" He whispered harshly. "They're what matter."

Bookman seemed to consider the implicit question as he processed Cross's explanation. He could not have offered comfort even if he wanted to. "It's because they do that we can't care."

Lavi hated him for that but couldn't argue. A large and older part of him thought the same.

He felt so bad for Lenalee it wasn't even funny. Allen he could feel bad for after he had hit the boy maybe, but really he just felt awful for him overall.

All of them just made him _feel_, and Lavi had started wondering for the first time in his life if he hadn't made a horrible choice when he decided to become a Bookman.

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Allen didn't know if there were words to describe the phenomena of being hugged by Cross. He didn't like to think about it, but sometimes since Mana had died he would see a family at play, a father and son laughing and bonding, and feel a bit of a fleeting pang. A pang that would usually be interrupted by a boot kicking at him and a bark to hurry up, so he would forget the feeling quickly and follow obediently the dark and towering figure of his master. Even if in the back of his mind he really, _really_ vividly imagined what it would be like to dump snakes in the bastard's bed some night.

Perhaps what disturbed Allen is that he was actually _able_ to reconcile that recollection of Cross to the one that treated him like an actual human - no, an actual student. Or son. Master Cross just didn't do things like that, even if it somehow made sense that he had. In retrospect perhaps if he hadn't been so shocked he should have expected that a moment like that could only happen to buffer something terrible.

Well, the something terrible had happened.

Allen finished pulled the prisoner's tunic off and nearly gagged as he recalled his master's words. Crow still watched him and he felt he might never be self-conscious again as a result of their stares, even as Cross had bared the most psychologically disturbing part of him. After he finished putting on and buttoning up his uniform Allen was somewhere between numb and homicidal as the Crow led him out.

Wearing his new uniform now and somewhat glad for the identity it provided, Allen opened the door into the study he had crossed through earlier and stared at the sight of Lenalee and Johnny passed out on the couch.

Even in his state and given the circumstances Allen couldn't help but smile. These two… they cared so much it was blinding. He wasn't sure whose study this was if anyone's, but he grabbed a blanket from a different couch and meant to cover them with it. It had to be cold; the rain outside left a damp and unpleasant sensation on his soul. No, that was actually what he felt inside, but the rain was an easy enough scapegoat.

He wouldn't say it out loud, but he wanted to be hugged like Cross had just a while ago, though he didn't think that would ever happen again. A once in a lifetime moment of familial connection with that reckless man and it had been ruined by his prophecy.

He was truly alone when it came down to it. He wasn't even who he thought himself to be.

"A-Allen?" came Lenalee's startled gasp.

"O-oh," he began, caught red-handed and a bit awkward. "You're awake?"

"Ahh, I fell asleep," Lenalee realized, guiltily rubbing at her forehead and the cobwebs of her nap. Oh, she was in the study and Allen was uniformed and in front of her. Crap.

"W-Where's my brother?" He _certainly_ wouldn't be happy.

Allen smiled a bit sadly at the thought of Komui, quite serious on the topic for once. "I think he's still talking in there." Lenalee was shifting and Johnny's head was in danger of being dropped rather unpleasantly so Allen motioned for her to stop. "Lenalee, don't move or you'll wake Johnny."

She did stop at that, Johnny's head resting in her lap, and looked quietly at Allen instead. He seemed disquieted at that, but sat next to her on the couch and dropped the blanket between them.

Lenalee frowned. "Your cheek looks swollen."

"Ah," he began guiltily, scratching at it with a gloved hand on instinct. "Yes. Master hit me."

She frowned more. "Are you okay?"

To her surprise, he stared into the distance with an expression far too old for him. "Yeah."

No, no he wasn't. He had just lost the last claim he had to a father with Mana.

He wasn't loved. He had never been, had he?

But _he_ loved. He would love even more to _spite_ that irony.

Somehow Allen felt very calm as he looked at Lenalee, even though he couldn't explain it beyond that. He was very, very clear now - to the point where he wished the indecision he had had mere hours ago.

Lenalee was glad he felt comfortable enough to show that expression of his around her but agitated that he managed to use it to hide. "Allen," she began quietly, very aware of Johnny sleeping in her lap and trying not to wake him. "What did they ask you?"

He seemed very uncomfortable and looked like he wanted something to busy his hands with. "Nothing. They let me talk with my master."

"So, general Cross really is here?" Lenalee was somewhat breathless; it was quite a feat to hide a general from them. Why _would_ a general's visit be kept so quiet? The surprise faded after a moment, though, and mentally she frowned at the easy deflection but couldn't recall her own words. He was still trying hide unpleasantries from her. Lenalee wished she was surprised but she wasn't. She made a strong mental note of it, though.

"Yeah," Allen said like it was nothing. "He's under house arrest again or something." Like he was. Why was he daring to sit next to her again?

She was able to sense what she shouldn't and Lenalee barely resisted the urge to touch his shoulder. "What exactly did he tell you?" She knew far too little about Allen, she realized sometimes, moreso now than ever.

"That…" he wanted to speak, he truly did, but something choked him and made him trail off. Did he have to realize something like this now of all times? "He kind of explained what happened back at the ark." That much was true.

Lavi was right that "it" wasn't – would never be – him, and not for any lack of feeling. Rather, feelings couldn't matter. If they did then he couldn't allow himself to even be here, could he.

He wanted to hold her anyway and he hated that feeling just then.

Lenalee seemed troubled as she watched him, even though she seemed to realize this was an extremely sensitive topic for him. She covered his hand between them with hers and he blinked in a neutral expression at the gesture. "Allen," she began conversationally, a pleasant smile on her face forced despite the circumstances. "You'll always be you and not what anyone else or Central says, right?"

He stared at her and suddenly wanted to hug her very tightly. That sort of perception was uncanny. Instead he clasped her hand tightly, perhaps a bit painfully from the emotion flowing from the gesture, but Lenalee reveled in it.

"Right," he agreed, and lost himself in the happy expression her eyes carried, even if he couldn't tell her what he had just found out about the other person in him. Her hands slid up and cradled his face, her quietly laughing comment on his strictly buttoned uniform reverberating in his mind even as she innocently loosened the clasps, and he closed his eyes as the gesture. Ah, it felt like that time with his tie.

He could pretend that none of this meant anything, or love her and end up killing her like his master had implied.

It wasn't fair.

Johnny was snoring lightly and reminded them of their situation, even as Lenalee smiled and cupped his face in her hands. Truth be told, he was somewhat glad that there was an easy sidestep to their situation. He had no idea how he could ever broach his concerns if he even wanted to burden her with them.

Her fingers tickled lightly at the skin behind his ear and ruffled his bangs

Friend, lover, girlfriend, partner. Stupid terms.

The fact she still smiled in reassurance at him somehow made it worse and his chest ached.

_Partner?_

He had always thought that term kind of awkward and a sidestep to a more accurate one, but inexplicably it just clicked in his head, both in terms of their compatibility on the battleground and now. Perhaps one he felt woefully short in given the circumstances and Allen gripped one of his knees tightly with a hand. He still felt inadequate and perhaps an even greater burden now.

The clarity _was not_ fair.

Allen dozed off with his loosened collar and her hair against his cheek anyway.

It was a guilty and impulsive indulgence, but he enjoyed the soft feeling of her hair for now and what he pledged was the last time.

.

.

.

Komui didn't sleep at all that night.

He had stood in stricken silence for most of the conversation he and Leverrier had listened in on. He felt a guilty pang at times for the fleeting expression Lavi had occasionally but knew he could not react just then. Sometimes he didn't like the Bookman for what he made Lavi endure.

Allen was far more front and center in Komui's thoughts at the moment, though. He knew what they listened to redeemed Allen as much as it condemned his soul and he could practically see the wheels turn behind Leverrier's sharp eyes.

When he eventually left after Leverrier had gone, promising his decision in the morning, Komui had been biting his lower lip in worry. He nearly bit it off when he saw Allen in the study.

Allen. Lenalee, his sister.

Komui had suspected at least hints of their feelings for a long time, but especially in light of this new situation he felt the need to strangle Allen as much as he cared for him. If this were a different world where he wasn't being consumed by a Noah and haunted by dark prophecies Komui might be okay with the fact his little sister was snuggled in sleep against such a principled boy.

Might.

But inexplicably Allen had grown close to Komui as well so the scientist turned abruptly from the sight of them and wished for something inanimate to punch. If he had to choose… if he had to choose for Lenalee before tonight he would have picked Allen. He might not have even hesitated after his hand was forced, but now it would be the worst decision possible.

But it wasn't that simple and Komui _despised _Allen at that moment, knowing the boy knew what he did but still stayed around Lenalee.

He despised himself more, though, and walking over he shifted the blanket to cover their clasped hands. He felt like he was failing Allen for what was happening to him and failing Lenalee, for letting her heart be set up for breaking or worse.

Komui knew taking lead of the Order would never be an easy task, but the heartbreak it caused surprised him sometimes. He had just wanted to take care of his baby sister at the time. Was that really such a crime?

He wanted to hug the two of them very hard but settled for moving that blanket instead. He frowned a bit at Johnny, his eccentric subordinate, and wondered at why he was there.

Komui made a note to punish him somehow later for sleeping in Lenalee's lap, even if he didn't think him a pervert.

Lenalee's sleeping face caught his attention, though, and Komui felt unpleasant pangs rise in his throat. Well, what _was_ he supposed to do? Her earlier inquiries on Innocence and implicitly Allen rang in horrible warning in his head. It didn't make sense yet - nothing about Allen or his sister's new Innocence did when it really came down to it. Komui had the sinking feeling they were both prophesized to do things far beyond their mortal lives and feelings.

Prophecy. He was far from a religious person but watching Allen and now Lenalee made him stop and wonder sometimes.

He left the room then, pulling his beret down harder against his head. Did prophecy and fate have to involve his sister of all people? Did god exist only to play cruel tricks on them?

In the end he just wished he could convince her to care less about the people around her that would end up making her cry, but he was just as guilty.

He really didn't sleep that night, though.

"Supervisor!" His assistant had burst into his new room without hesitation and Komui gaped in some consternation at her uncharacteristically emotional expression. "General Cross! He…"

With another person Komui might have shrugged it off as Cross being Cross, but Bridgett wasn't that kind of person. She was staring at him now in some numbness and trying to compose herself. "There's a lot of blood. They need you to investigate."

Blood? Komui was on his feet and running down the halls, drawing confused looks from early rising Order members he passed as they were not used to seeing him in civilian clothes, before he processed fully what was happening.

But he would never process this fully.

The abandoned Judgement and cryptic, cracked mask seemed to mock him as he couldn't piece it all together. Komui always pieced things together; it was just what he did. The timing and the location didn't make sense, not that anything about Cross ever did.

"It wasn't a Noah," he muttered to the panicked guard that was fluttering in guilt around him. "Whatever did this wasn't after the Innocence… It wasn't your fault," he said with a slight, forced smile. The poor man that had been guarding Cross looked a bit relieved at that and was able to leave the room, but Komui was fixated on the red flags around this apparent murder.

It didn't make sense and he didn't like things that didn't make sense.

Timcanpy fluttered suddenly around his hand and little fingers appeared, hugging at the bloodstains on the windowsill. Komui jerked, turning towards the door even as a light voice spoke.

"Tim just got up suddenly and came here," Allen explained lamely, a haunted expression on his face. "That's… blood, isn't it?" Allen smiled suddenly and it hurt to look at him. "Then whose…?"

Komui knew that Allen knew full well and he rushed up, desperate to stop the boy from looking at his master's death scene. Things like that were just too cruel for him, especially after last night.

"Allen, let's go." Komui was disappointed that his voice cracked a bit, but Allen let him turn him around by the shoulders, away from the sight of the room.

"Is master dead?" Allen asked with a hollow but calm tone. He wasn't sure if anything could ever shock him again after the last twelve hours.

Komui didn't let go of his shoulders and instead gripped them in some attempt at comfort. "I don't know. Probably," he admitted. Allen chuckled without humor and it chilled his blood.

"Somehow… that makes sense. There's no way he would be so kind unless he was about to die." He wasn't serious but panic and something very dark was taking control of his mind. Master Cross had died? Been killed? At some point he might have been glad for that but now he just felt that he had been ripped from someone that had actually cared for him. That the person he _thought_ had cared for him hadn't really and then the self-obsessed bastard in his life had actually shown fatherly comfort.

Allen was dangerously close to crying at the horrible irony in that and went numb instead.

"Allen? Brother?"

They both stared in some apprehension as Lenalee and Johnny ran into the hall only to skid to a stop at the somber sight of Komui and Allen.

"S-supervisor!" Johnny cried, staring at the room behind them. "That's-!"

Komui let go of Allen and slammed the door shut on instinct, blocking their view. "Don't worry about that," he barked, realizing the need to control the situation and the panic it would inspire. "It's," he began, finding himself staring between oddly similar, blank and apprehensive looks Allen and Lenalee had. "… There has been an incident. General Cross is dead." Probably. It was confusing.

Lenalee covered her mouth in horror and Johnny looked like a person told the sky was actually green, but Allen looked aside with a neutral expression Komui was starting to dread.

His sister was standing now by the other exorcist and looking like she wanted to clasp his hand despite her brother's presence. Komui stared a bit gloomily but understood. This was a drastic situation.

"I need," he began a bit blankly, taking on the role of one in charge. "I need to finish taking samples and document the scene. Johnny, would you help me?" The younger scientist almost tripped as he rushed at the idea of doing something other than staring in horror and Komui was grateful not for the first time at the dedication and feeling of the people under him. He opened the door to step back in the room with Johnny, but cast a look over his shoulder at Allen and Lenalee standing in a kind of innocent, paralleled poetry that made his heart hurt.

Perhaps it was that, even in a state of horrid reality like this, they seemed such a natural pairing that he noticed it like he did and hated how he couldn't stop it.

.

.

.

"Are you okay?" she asked instinctively, worried at how calm he seemed.

"I think so," Allen said, looking aside with a bit of a bitter smile. "I don't think we ever really liked each other, anyway." It was easier to say things like that. He wanted to flinch if he thought about their fleeting, kinder moments. All that time since he had left to join the Order officially it was easy to bemoan the abuse, fester at his ungrateful mooching, rage at the injustice of it all, and paint the man as an outright demon.

That was simple. That version of Cross was easy to hate. Easy to not care about. The bigger picture made this incident now ache horribly.

Lenalee frowned and tightened her grip on his arms as they stood alone in the hall. "I don't believe that and I don't think you do."

Allen had to smile at that a bit, though he wasn't by any means happy. He was aware of Timcanpy scratching now to get through the door to him and he clasped the hand Lenalee held his in with both. "It's not that simple," he tried to explain, smiling now for her sake. "Master… he knew more about me than I know myself. Maybe that's why he's dead."

That made as much sense as it didn't and Lenalee blinked. "I don't understand."

He felt like his time was being carefully measured and he would not have much more of it. "Do you remember that time on the ark where master had Tim make a gate? The piano?"

She blinked again. "Of course."

He felt horrible but remembered as he had been led off earlier that they would be announcing his fate shortly. "I'm… not me."

"Pardon?" Allen could feel the tense nature in her hands even if he wasn't that great at reading body language.

"There's another Noah," he tried to begin, smiling because breaking would hurt far more. "And he's inside of me. Maybe that's why my eye is doing what it is. Maybe that explains a lot." Lenalee looked like she wanted to interrupt him so he continued on with an earnest expression. "I'm not planning on giving up! I'm not… especially after this." He glanced aside, still holding her hands loosely between them. "Especially after you."

One word hung on her. "After?" she whispered and was displeased at how raw she sounded.

He cocked his head in a curious gesture as her, smiling that terribly sweet expression she hated as much as it comforted her. "I might kill someone when it eventually happens," he stated with unnatural ease. "People that are important to me… like you." Allen seemed visibly troubled now. "So…" he stared at their hands together but couldn't quite bring the words together.

"You're kidding, right?" Allen looked up in surprise but couldn't see her eyes past her hair, only the sardonic, humorless smile she had. "That's so stupid," Lenalee said in the same, sedate tone before gripping his hands tightly. "You're talking like we don't exist beyond puppets."

Funny, that was sort of what he felt like. A pierrot jerked around by it seemed almost everyone he knew. Allen rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand as he stared quietly. Everyone except her at least; Lenalee was always genuine, that much was certain.

He kept smiling even if felt like there wasn't much of a heart left to break at the moment. "I wish I was kidding," he said calmly and she looked up abruptly, angry tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

"You _can't_ be a Noah! How can they know for certain, anyway?" Why didn't you tell me sooner? It felt like some sick joke.

"The piano," he explained, looking aside. "And… I see things. Like that person from the dreams. I might have been picked. I don't know really."

"Then I could be as well," she said firmly, meaning to discredit the idea. "Because we've both seen him."

"Not like I have," he admitted and she was reminded rather cruelly that perhaps she didn't really know him. Allen let go of her hands and touched her shoulder. "Lenalee, you know—"

"Walker!"

Allen looked up in some surprise to see an uncharacteristically breathless Link run up to them. He evaluated the two, disapproving yet again, but there were more pressing matters. "You know about general Cross, then," Link asked via statement. He frowned at the closed door but stared in some suspicion at Allen.

"Yes," Allen said, somewhat glad for the interruption from more painful topics even though feeling like he was doing Lenalee a disservice. "Komui and Johnny are inside."

Link was frowning more now and stretched out a hand to beckon the exorcist. "Inspector Leverrier is aware and wants to speak with you."

Lenalee felt Allen had changed greatly from the reassuring smile he gave her as he followed Link and she thought it terribly sad even if she couldn't explain why, so she just watched as he was led off. She clenched her hands into fists and bit her lip at how much she wanted to rage at them - all of them - and shake Allen just then.

She felt terribly alone as her brother was locked behind that door and Allen was led off to face the person she hated the most. Lenalee was never alone, though, so she squashed that feeling and wondered how things had gotten so complex. Ah, she knew why, but it still felt wrong. After a glance at the wood that hid the general's murder from them she glanced down. Allen a Noah and his master killed perhaps over it? She could barely comprehend that and she was good at comprehending.

Lenalee stayed there, by herself but standing tall, for a long time.


	10. All's well that ends well

Oh dear. Hello.

It's funny when someone says they read your things on FF.N and your first instinct is to cringe and apologize—and then you go look at your old account and suddenly there are all these wonderful reviews there you never read and PMs and people wondering when you're going to update. ;A;

—SORRY, THIS IS A FALSE ALARM, GUYS...

As much as I do still remember Innocence and where I was going with it... I transitioned into roleplaying (Allen) instead of fic writing and that keeps me quite busy. I'm also just better at that. But the truth?

THIS STORY IS TERRIBLE, GUYS.

... NO, I MEAN IT. A LOT OF THE CHARACTERIZATION EVEN FOR SUCH A HUGE "WHAT-IF" STRETCH IS... awful... At the very least I know I can do way better now. 8|;;; So um. Maybe someday I'll rewrite it. But I'm also pretty twitchy against Allen/Lenalee now and really don't want to come across like a crazy shipper. (I've even written/participated in writing Allen/Kanda, Allen/Link, Allen/Allen, and Allen/crossfandom in the past year...!) But really I'd rather write no-ship/smut platonic stuff. 8|;;; (And I give up, Allen really does eat my brain more than anyone else.)

So. My apologies. This story is permanently hiatused. I'd take it down except people have screamed at me not to, dshfsjd. Go track down deus_exed at livejournal if you want my babblings.

I'm sorry. ._.

But, I will try to scrounge up and do an apology oneshot perhaps to better... attempt to showcase I actually halfway understand the characters from this series. xD;; Thank you for putting up for me when I was still reeling from a bright, shiny new fandom and getting my feet wet after way too many years away from creative writing.

Cheers,

Boku


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